Friday 02/14/97
100%e sostojanie - ne tol'ko konflikty ischezajut,
no i prazdnoshatajuschies'a mysli i otvlechenija.
Kak budto vyshli iz DESQview v DOS i vse resursy mashiny
mozhno posv'atit' zadache.
*
Mozhet vmesto "ne budu ob ]tom dumat'" poprobovat'
"ne hochu" ?
(POPROBOVAL, RABOTAET LUCHSHE)
*
A vse-taki klassno predstavit', chto kogda-nibud' ja izbavl'us'
ot vseh chuzhdyh bilifov i protaschus' v dosku!
*
L'udi zabyvajut o tvoih udachah - eto normal'no.
No zabyvaju i ja sam - eto huzhe.
Mozhet, linkovat' ih, chtob ostavalis' v podsoznanii ?
Naprimer, sozdat' jakor' Udacha i prisoedin'at' vs'akij raz kak
sarsaparilla v ocherednoj raz pobezhdena.

Sozdaem - ladon' vpered, "Success!"
(zhest, kak u bolvanov, kogda oni v konce fil'ma na korable
govorili "Success!")
*

Skazal i sam udivils'a:
"Ja l'ubl'u l'udej, kogda mne ne nado ih bojat's'a"
*
"Uspeh - eto umenie sozdavat' udovol'stvie v svoej zhizni i
vyzyvat' v sebe rost"
"Proval - eto sposobnost' nahodit' plohoe, kak by horoshi ne byli
obstojatel'stva".
(Anthony Robbins)
*
Associacija - zapuskaju "Blood makes noise", slyshu golos
Beavisa "If you like this kind of music, you probably
never had any friends to start with".
(A VSE-TAKI JA OBOZHAJU ETU PESN'U.. .JUSTIFIED!)

Saturday 02/15/97
The supposition that I HAVE to perezhivat' vmeste - byt' priv'azannym
nitkami k drugim l'ud'am comes from presupposition that I am basically bad.
That is, assumption that unless I am forced to do good things, I won't.
Sounds like Judge alright.
Truth is, I AM GOOD.
(THOUGH WHEN I VIEW JUDGE AS PERMANENT PART OF ME, I CANNOT SAY THAT -
I HATE HIM).

Monday 02/17/97
Vizualizacija: - kogda prot'agivaju ruki vpered i gluboko vdyhaju -
predstavl'aju, chto ]to zvuk rassekaemogo vozduha i ja lechu :)
*
Otkryl novoe sensual'noe prikosnovenie - skrepkoj plavno vodit' po
pal'cam ruki. Ofiget', chut' li ne iskry proskakivajut.
*
Vazhnaja pl'uha - v fizicheskih otnoshenijah net projdennyh ]tapov.
Vse ]tapy kruty i zasluzhivajut otdel'nogo taska.
Naprimer, kogda mozhno tol'ko gladit' ruku - etim mozhno
zanimat's'a chasami i eto ubijstvenno.
I wonder if "we don't have to..." imenno ob ]tom i govorit.
A ne ob otkaze i nezhelanii.
Ish' ty kak vyvel.
Primery iz opyta ?

Ideja - igra v ogranichenija.
Vyt'anut' sebe limit (KAK LOTEREJNYJ BILET) i ego perestupat' nel'z'a...
ili zhe zadacha - sdela't tak, chtoby partner perestupil svoj limit.

Naverno eto i est' teasing.
A mozhet i luchshe.
*
Il'lustracii na oblozhke "3 mushketerov" pohozhi na oblozhku knigi
pro mit'kov :}

Tuesday 02/18/97
Doing good thing and not getting positive response
doesn't feel that kruto. But what's the alternative ?
Suppressing good feelings, being afraid that they will never
be returned ? No way, man!
*
Romance ends abruptly when I no longer can make vuz happy.

Assumptions:
1) I am the one who makes her miserable
2) Thus, I have to feel bad myself
Conclusion:
Run!

V semje podobnye mysli provod'at k dolgomu zatvornichestvu.

That "they are miserable because of me" is a widespread belief,
which deserves contemplating.
One thing - if I believe that, the best I can do for people is
stay away from them. Which I often do.
*
When I feel "tambom" (nu i slovo), affirmations ne rabotajut absol'utno.
I ja ne udivl'us', esli uteshenija - tozhe ne ochen'.
(PERECHITAL I NE VRUBILS'A - SHO ZA 'TAMBOM' TAKOJ ?)
*
Vspomnil, kak ja byl na kinovystavke v Planetraii i
zaschupal zhenskij maneken, kogda nikto ne videl :)
*
Zanimajus' 'ego surfing'.
Okazalos', chto v calstart est' na men'a link!
Oj, now that I think of it, po moemu ja ego sam tuda i kinul :)
*
Ku, according to corsaro, Bike Machine is the most complete moped page
on the Web, while 'Moped Magazine' is only 'another good moped page'.
Ku!
Sravnenie v nashu pol'zu.

Wednesday 02/19/97
New aff:
I am a blessing.
Everybody loves me.

Sounds rebelous, doesn't it ?
Ku.
*
Skrytoe pritvorstvo v trebovanii, chto l'ubit'
mozhno tol'ko protivopolozhnyj pol - ja-to ved'
svoego pola!

Thursday 02/20/97
REXX - eche odni primer togo, kak ja mogu pozvolit'
nevezhdam ukazyvat' mne, chto kruto, a chto net.
Ne udivitel'no, chto mne ne nravit's'a, kogda men'a
sprashivajut, kem ja rabotaju i na kakih jazykah.
*
Konflikt - impul's podelit's'a horoshimi novost'ami
& rushing to share problem /promise.
*
When inside anger, it does feel safer than guilt.
Thus, the g->a path.

Friday 02/21/97
Expectation - zamechaju, chto chasto u men'a bojazlivoe ozhidanie,
kogda proishodit chto-to neozhidannoe, like zvonka ili pis'ma.
Tipa: "Chto za zapadla tam mozhet kryt's'a ?"
*
Sometimes OHOTA has adverse effect - I look at it, see
how many unsolved chs there are i zagnivaju.
*
Oceniv svoju zhiznennuju situaciju, I came to conclusion that
it's as f**ng close to perfect as it gets!
*
A ved' znaesh', chto ni proishodit, vse k luchshemu...
vo vs'akom sluchae, na 2m fronte. Kuuuuuuuuu!
Sm citatu Aramisa po poluchenii pis'ma iz Tura (pri ]kipirovke).
*
Aff: I am where I have to be.
*
Dl'a togo, chtoby smejat's'a, vovse ne ob'azatel'no, chtoby
vsem byla pon'atna i izvestna prichina smeha.
*
Aff: There is no konflikt
*
Aff: I do and will get what I want.
*
Dejstvie sil'nogo mnenija:
Mne skazali: "a na mopede ne gr'azno ezdit' ?
ved' na frivejah dikaja gar'".
Chush' sobach'ja, no esli vo-vrem'a ne otmezhevat's'a,
mozhet zapast' v stereotip.
Na frivejah net nikakoj gari!
Ja tam gul'al i ezdil na dryne - vse v kajf!
*
Ostaviv geografiju, my pereshli na lichnosti: "Kto, po-vashemu, geroj
nashego vremeni?" Te, kto vzgljanul na eto abstraktno, opredelili
kachestva: poluchilsja dobryj, umnyj, hitryj, nepredskazuemyj
chelovek.

Ogo!! Eto zh ja!
*
Neprijatnyj konflikt:
"Ja hochu chto-to sdelat', no nel'z'a - zasekut, ne polozheno, etc".
*
An'a chitala moj zhurnal, potom stala razmyshl'at' sama
i prishla k vyvodu, chto seb'a nado hvalit'.
Vot i podtverzhdenija - EST' vneshn'aja pol'za, ot togo, chto ja
del'us' zhurnalom s l'ud'mi.

Tuesday 02/25/97
U men'a na den' otobrali moju liniju.
Ja zol, kak chert.
Chert zol, kak ja.
*
Kogda intuicija podskazyvaet pravil'nye slova, ja poroj nachinaju
ih proigryvat' snova i snova, repetiruju v besede s obrazom.
Eto pohozhe na "ne meshaj bogu zanimat's'a svoim delom".
Op'at' zhe, na moi popytki stojat' u mehanika nad dushoj.
Ili zhe s drugoj storony, na nepravil'noe mnenie otdel'no
vz'atyh juzerov, chto ja budu hakirovat' lucshe, esli majachit' u men'a za
spinoj i predlagat' raznuju muru.
*
Izobrazit' "Ja i sam ne hochu etom zanimat's'a - horoshij
sposob bypass vopros "Kto tebe eto poruchil ?"" - metod
ohotnikov za prividenijami.
*
Kogda na provode, i kto-to podhodit, vsegda mozhno izobrazit'
vspyshku razgovornosti - hren proverish'.

Thursday 02/27/97
Naschet pravil'nogo puti - esli by ja shel ne tem putem,
to ne prishel by k tepereshnim otkrytijam.

Friday 02/28/97
From alt.recovery.codependency
"Compassion is hearing someone's problem without getting
involved in it yourself.  You simply understand the other person.
When you start worrying and obsessing, that is no longer compassion.
It's codependency."
*
"Years ago I would spend miserable hours waiting for "him" to call, come
home, whatever . . . all those lost hours focused on "the other."  When
whoever "he" was at the time was obviously simply doing what he wanted -
not thinking about me."
*
"When I express myself ONLY, I am in touch with actual experiences.
  When I choose to be " other directed ", I don't know if I am in touch
  with accurate interpretations, assumptions, speculations, of experiences
  as they truly exist"
*
"The journey is the destination"
*
"I will remember to FIRST put the oxygen mask on me--then help others."
*
"Healthy detachment acknowledges the problem, accepts
powerlessness over it, and chooses to no longer invest
needless emotional energy into the problem."

Monday 03/03/97
Half-empty/half-full primenimo k percentage indicator -
vmesto "skol'ko tam esche ostalos'", "o, skol'ko uzhe sdelano!".

Watch it grow, but without specific goal in mind.
Sejchas zaodno kl'uju nosom i mechtaju.
Mozhno l'ubovat's'a tem kak plavno cifirki izmen'ajut's'a -
bez miganija, ne kak na ES s CLRTERM.
*
V sonnom sostojanii sv'az' mezhdu zvukami i ih interpretaciej
oslabevaet - dobavl'aet tainstvennosti.
*
Email - dist between letters na kotorye nechego otvechat'
i temi, kotorye zasluzhivajut otveta, no v moment prochtenija
mne bylo lenivo.
*
Bol' v zhivote pereklikaets'a so stressom - tak zhe kak
dyhanie.

Tuesday 03/04/97
Duraki - zaklevali DELAYED - im zhe otrygnets'a.
Avtopilot vrubils'a: "Kakaja mne radost' dl'a nih
chto-to pisat', kogda blagodarnosti nikakoj ?".
*
Metod Entropii:
Kogda ja pochti reshil sdelat' chto-to sur'eznoe,
E. govOrit "Togda esche von to nado sdelat' ", "A ob etom ty zabyl ?".
Neskol'ko sekund - i mne uzhe nichego ne hochet's'a delat' - pregruzka.

Thursday 03/06/97
Primer konflikta - vs'akij raz, kak vvozhu parol'
v mail server, konflikt mezhdu neobhodimost'ju pechatat'
muru i strahom, chto kto-to zalezet v pochtu bez moego vedoma...
hot'a bol'shinstvo pochty i tak vidno.
*
Vere v polozhitel'nyj samo-obraz protivostojat mnogochislennye
"should's", kotorym ja ne podchin'ajus'.
*
Metod otca - govorit' "I will" after I've done - ne progadaesh'.
*
"Scout Cloud Lee, The Circle is Sacred
When we acknowledge that all of life is sacred and that each act is an act
of choice and therefore sacred, then life is a sacred dance lived
consciously each moment.  When we live at this level, we participate in the
creation of a better world."
Interesno, da ?
Free Will kak samoe glavnoe, chto v nas est'.
*
"It is not whether your words or actions are tough or gentle; it is the
spirit behind your actions and words that announces your inner state."
Intent!
*
"Though I might travel afar, I will meet only what I carry with me, for
every man is a mirror.	We see only ourselves reflected in those around us.
Their attitudes and actions are only a reflection of our own.  The whole
world and its condition has its counter parts within us all.  Turn the gaze
inward.  Improve yourself and your world will change."
*
"A man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away."
(srubit seb'a pod koren' ?)
*
From the movie, The Boy Who Could Fly
Somewhere, deep inside, we can all fly.
*
These quotes were from: http://homepages.together.net/~success/library.htm
There is more - start with keyword 'roar'

Tuesday 03/11/97
Zony volnenija - kak zony prit'azhenija planet.
Kajf - v nevesomosti.
Chtoby nauchit's'a letat', nado nauchit's'a ne chuvstvovat'
prit'azhenija... v oboih smyslah.
*
Note "A chto esli i sejchas ne vyjdet ?" vs
"Esli ne vyjdet sejchas, ja znaju, chto najdu esche
odin put' k resheniju".
Pervyj pattern - sweat.
Vtoroj - polet.

In late stages the 1st one becomes "Ok, almost done,
no von esche skol'ko problem! Kak ja s nimi spravl'us' ?"
*
Spokojstvie sredi buri:
"Pust' vse krugom
Gorit ognem,
A my s toboj spoem:
Uti, bosse, busse, basse
Bisse, I otdohnem.

Pust' tyschi bulochek nesut
Na den' rozhden'ja k nam
A my s toboj ustroim tut
Uti, bosse, basse, kaput,
Bisse i tararam!"

Wednesday 03/12/97
Fakt - kogda na men'a kto-to mrachno smotrit, ja dumaju, chto mrachnost' -
iz-za men'a.
*
Konechno, domashnij komp setup ne pozvol'aet mne spokojno
vzdohnut', dazhe kogda ostal'noe men'a otpuskaet -
kak budto ne imeju prava.
*
Po povodu uvazhenija k mnenijam - otec pon'atija ne imeet,
chem ja rabotaju i otdyhaju - no u nego tem ne menee est'
sil'noe mnenie, chto ja ne na svoem meste. That affects
to, kak ja chuvstvuju.

Thursday 03/13/97
Sohran'at' vneshnij cool - feels pretty good.
No posle interakcii ostaets'a zlost' na togo, kto
ko mne pristaval. Sejchas nachal'nik izoschr'aets'a, cepl'aets'a
k melocham. Ja nosom ne vedu, no vnutri u men'a burit. Peeved.
*
Prijatno projavit' erudiciju - see Moped/re: micro-moped.
Ja vychislil, chto v Londone kto-to ezdit na mokike Di Blasi :)
*
Esli sdelat' cherez "ne hochu", v sledujuschij raz esche men'she hotet's'a
budet.

Ne zastavit' seb'a, a "zahotet'" seb'a.
*
Primer togo, kak 'moving away value' idet ne tuda:
esli cel' - izbezhat' zavisimogo sostojanija, to prosche
put' k zlosti, chem k schast'ju.
*
Zhizn', kak lomanaja - esli ne verit', chto EST' pravil'nyj put',
to mozhno ostat's'a na meste, bojas' razocharovanija, bojas', chto
esli idti vpered, vyjasnit's'a, chto tupik - vezde.

Friday 03/14/97
Problemy uzhasajut kogda ja ne ver'u, chto mogu ih reshit'.
I somnenie byvaet ne v svoih silah, a v svoej motivacii.
Esli ja nachinaju ih reshat', ot groznyh vragov skoro ostaets'a
pechal'naja kuchka (pomnish', kak ja vseh zamochil v Duke vchera ?
Yay!).
Segodn'a ja reshil uzhe 3 figni, kotorye men'a dostavali -
juzer9 - perepodrubil k seti
16 - sdelal power strip
12 - otpravil Daga v remont
odna rabota - vyjasnil u Jurika, chto vse gotovo
*
Metod - kak tol'ko perehvatyvaet dyhanie, ostanavlivajus'
i pereocenivaju, vmesto togo, chtoby okunat's'a srazu v problemu, ozhidaja,
chto ona prineset oblegchenie.
(PRAVDA, INOGDA JA PYTAJUS' TOROPIT' PEREOCENKU I SNOVA
BROSAJUS' RESHAT' ZADACHI, NE USPEV USPOKOIT'S'A).

Saturday 03/15/97
"After many years among people just struggling to survive, yet managing to
find happiness, it was a culture shock to arrive in North America.
Americans complained about anything and everything even though they were
comparatively rich. The same had occurred when he had returned from Africa
to Europe."
*
Mne prislali msg s zhaloboj, ja poprosil utochnenija, otveta net.
State: men'a razdrazhaet, chto ih navernoe razdrazhaet moe otsutstvie
pomoschi, togda kak eto oni ne otvechajut.

Tuesday 03/18/97
Chuvstvo - when danger arises, the Force will be with me.
I never did and never will lose what I really want to have.
*
Nesmeshnaja shutka "both are fun to ride" in essense zatragivaet
vopros "Imeju li ja pravo chuvstvovat' what i feel, kodga
drugie ne vyrazhajut soglasija vsluh ?".
*
Pol'za ot togo, chto nachal'nik begaet - pust' soobschenija peredaet.

Wednesday 03/19/97
More on creating reality - my favorite Unix shell (TCSH) has become
pretty much a default - I no longer have to fight for it, it's simply
there.
*
Moment sovraschenija - chasto has nothing to do s fizicheskim soblaznom -
rather dushi govor'at mezhdu soboj. I k ]tomu t'anus', nesmotr'a ni na
kakie tekuschie commitmenty.
*
Open confrontation. Then, when alone, do 'love' exercise.
*
Delaju chto-to klassnoe, volnujus', chto nado delat' chto-to
drugoe.
Kogda dejstvitel'no chto-to umerenno vazhnoe nado delat',
mozhno dolgo taschit's'a, otlynivaja.
*
Pochemu inogda Sud'ja molchit ?
V moment vozniknovenija impuls'a i v moment pretvorenija.

Kogda smotr'u na rebenka - poka ulybajas', sud'ja molchit.

Kogda hakiruju, molchit.

Kogda p'jan.

Sud'ja - eto struktura.

Esli vse l'udi v strane perestanut bojat's'a pravitel'stva,
i reshat, chto ono ne nuzhno, ono padet momental'no.

Strah pered zaschitnikami struktury.
Komfort, chto kakuju-to rol' ona igraet - strah anarhii.

Vina pod kontrolem straha.
I ne tol'ko vina.
Nenavist' - naprimer, fokus, kotoryj vsegda vidit policejskih.

Podgotovlennost' vs. uverennost'.
Strah vs. l'ubov'.

"Bud' gotov, togda ne ushibeshsa".
Repeticija neprijatnyh razgovorov - v limite vedet k strahu i
paranoje.

Repeticija prijatnyh - poter'a spontannosti, ozhidanie opredelennogo
otveta. V limite - ja govor'u s soboj, povtor'aju to, chto
otrepetiroval. Rezul'tat - net obschenija.

Vsegda zamechaju policejskih.
Limit - nervnichaju vsegda, kogda vizhu, vsegda
v plohom state. Vedet k tomu, chto kogda ko mne obrat'ats'a, ja budu
uzhe zagnivshim.

Vina.
Obvinili seb'a zaranee, poetomu gotov, kogda kto-to drugoj
vzdumaet men'a obvinit'.
Limit - predvidet' vse vozmozhnye obvinenija, sumashestvie,
obvinit' seb'a za vse, za chto mogut drugie.
Ugodit' vsem - rabstvo.
Vina vedet k vine.


"Sila budet s toboj, ne bojs'a".

Thursday 03/20/97
Kogda smotrel 'Smysl zhizni' Monti Pitona, u men'a ne raz uluchshalos'
sostojanie dyhanija - mozhet ot togo, chto oni dejstvitel'no nad VSEM
smejut's'a ? A ved' i moja cel' - pomnit' o tom, chto pochti nichego
ser'eznogo net.
*
Talk to Pavlik - how is it - leave home ?
*
Esli nauchiut's'a taschit's'a vo vrem'a rugani,
mozhet umenhit's'a strah pered potencial'nymi konfrontacijami.
*
"Ty govorish' - serost'. A vozm'i l'ubogo cheloveka
i poprobuj sostavit' programmu, kotoraja by dejstvovala, kak on".
*
Gipoteza - energija vsegda kuda-to da napravlena.
*
"Vektory energii obladajut magnitnoj siloj".
"Entuziazm mozhet prit'anut', a mozhet i ottolknut'".
"
"Otpusk - nedel'a bez viny. Nichego styrashnogo
za nedel'u ne proizojdet, mozhno rasslabit's'a".
*
Otec:
"Moj gnev ne napravlen na teb'a".

"Kogda kritika, kritika vsegda problemy, a ne lichnosti".
"Nauchit's'a ne prinimat' na svoj schet".
(primer nauchnyh diskussij, gde mozhno skazat' "Eto glupost'",
no eto ne znachit "Ty - durak").
*
Beru otpusk ot viny (nedel'a, starting Thursday 03/20/97).
Men'she speshki, bol'she igrivosti, bol'she shutok, legche
pet', legche obschat's'a.
Strah pered prirodoj umen'shils'a (pobochnyj effekt ?).

Friday 03/21/97
A voobsche, Internet Cafe - neplohaja ideja.
Hot'a vrode by surfing - zan'atije personal'noe.
*
Starting trends - ja odin raz nogtem narisoval s stene
lifta rozhu (tam kover na stene visit) - tak teper'
tam postojanno risujut.
*
Otpusk ot viny prodolzhaets'a.
Pojavl'aets'a 'should': ne podvez Sverdlovyhj k zubnym, vrode nado
chuvstvovat' vinu'.
Otvet: ladno, tol'ko ne sejchas - ja ved' v otpuske.

Ideja (kogda otpusk konchit's'a, mozhno budet potrajat').
Ustanovit' tipa raspisanija viny - tipa "horosho ja etu viny ispytaju
soglasno raspisaniju, rovno cherez 2 nedeli".
*
Primer togo, kak fokus vnezapno mozhet pojavit's'a pod vlijaniem
krizisa - Tina tol'ko sejchas zametila, chto u men'a est' moped,
hot'a on byl zaparkovan tam uzhe raz 50.
*
"Raznoobraznye ne te" - kogda email idet, no ne ot teh, ot kogo hosh'.
*
MS govorit "you must install fix" i ja srazu vstaju na dyby:
"chto znachit must ?!".

Monday 03/24/97
Posle popadanija v smeshannuju kompaniju, kotoraja ne ochen' ladit's'a,
pojavl'aejuts'a somnenija v svoih sposobnost'ah byt' v garmonii
i s ee otdel'nymi chast'ami, hot'a by za den' do etogo v men'shem
sostave byl polnyj kajf.
*
Realizacija - other people can deal with their problems - fight thru them,
find solution and be ok again. Just like I can!
"Behind your fears,
You rage and tears
I see your shining star
And I love you -
Just the way you are!"

Tuesday 03/25/97
Na mysl' "Vse obo mne budet izvestno, uzhe ne zahot'at
so mnoj obschat's'a", otvet takoj "mne samomu o sebe ne vse izvestno,
as long as we learn and grown together, there will be no limit".
*
Strah obschenija - chto men'a pokinut, kogda ja budu slabym...
kstati, vsegda i pokidajut imenno v eto vrem'a, potomu chto
mne togda s samim soboj neinteresno i im so mnoj sootvetstvenno.
V takie momenty ja i opravdanijam ne ver'u - schitaju, chto
ushli imenno poetomu.
*
Obaldet' prosto - ja 11 fevral'a krahnul 87, s 12 Feb po 25 Mar
naschitalos' 1300 hitov!!!
Eto poluchaets'a... 1300/43=30 hitov v den'!
I zamet', this totally discounts moped page hits, because
I have no counters there!
Chuvstvuju zhelanije snova sravnit' schetchiki s RV.
Blin, 87 takoj bol'shoj nagnal za mes'ac, chto i ne prosmotrish'.
Davaj stats zapustim.
Aga, u nego ISA konchils'a na stroke 1630, a ih vsego uzhe 7300!
Rastet chislo, prichem s uskoreniem - pomnish', kak ja prazdnoval 500go
chitatel'a v Mae i tys'achnogo letom ?

Wednesday 03/26/97
Ideja 'want is reason' ne otvechaet na vopros "a chto, esli nichego ne
hochet's'a ?".

Zhelanie est' - dostatochnaja prichina... poest'.
*
Sverhaking state - fingers fly over keyboard - it's like
hack, song and dance at the same time. Very light touch,
but precise and amazingly quick. And program can even run
correctly at the first exec!
*
Realizacija: "Ja rabotaju ? Ja haker ?!
How did that happen ? I know these people ?
Ja v Amerike ?!?! I belong here ?
I come here everyday ?"
Vnezapno privychnoe kazhets'a stranno novym.
*
Does osuzhdenie of task jumping increase the anxiety of
waiting for single task to be over ?
*
Igra, iz kotoroj net vyhoda:
zagruzka kompa, kak rozhdenija, reboot kak ubijstvo.

Chtoby zhizn' prevratit' v igru nuzhno:
1) Vozmozhnost' prervat'.
2) V. pereigrat'.
Naprimer: pereigrat' znakomstvo - ne vyshlo,
v drugoj raz s drugim vuzom - kak reload.

"Nas okruzhajut real'nye i igrovye l'udi -
s igrovymi mozhno pereigrat' - na sledujuschij
den' kak budto nichego i ne bylo".
No ja otnoshus' k nim odinakovo, hot'a raznica i est'.
Ja zhe ee ne uchityvaju.
Vyhod - chto-nibud' ne tak - ty pl'unul i uehal.
I igrat' mozhno kogo hochesh' - kak hosh' odevat's'a, kogo
hosh' predstavl'at'.

Vspomnil Major Stryker - gde ja bylo zagnil, chto men'a vse vrem'a
ubivajut.

Bolee tochno - postojannoe okruzhenie kazhets'a bolee real'nym.
To, chto my vidim, kazhet's'a bolee real'nym.
(Poetomu mozhet kazat's'a, chto sny - vymyshlennye, togda
kak to chto ja vizhu dnem - nastojaschee).

"Klub, gde ja neudachno poznakomils'a - mesto v DOOM, gde
men'a pribili - chem bol'she vospominanij, tem mens'he
znachimosti u otdel'noj associacii".

Slozhnost' drugih igrokov dobavl'aet realizma.

Sostavit' spisok svoego mira - dopustim te, kto real'ny.
Est' mehanizm, kotoryj prevraschaet real'nogo v personazha.
*
Zhizn' - nelz'a pereigrat' i vyjti
Groundhog Day - pereigrat' mozhno, no vyjti nel'z'a
Igra - mozhno i to i drugoe

GD -> I - esli by mog vyjti v sled den', a potom vse-taki vernut's'a
obratno.

I -> GD - reboot and game starts again, will never stop.
Postojannoe CAD - regul'arnoe samoubijstvo Fila.

ZH -> GD - vozmozhnost' stirat' pam'at' drugogo cheloveka.
Nedostatochno tol'ko schitat', chto vse zabyto.
Uzhe est' variant - probovat' drugogo vuza - ona-to nichego
ne znaet.
Esli postojanno men'aets'a harakter (i pam'at') u vuza -
vse ravno chto drugie l'udi.
Men'ajsuchijs'a harakter Rity - odin raz ona byla by kak Nancy -
success.
Raznye l'udi v zhizni - popadets'a ta, s kotoroj kontakt budet legkim.

Vuz - drugie igroki v DOOM, kotorye ne hot'at so mnoj igrat', prachuts'a
i ja kak by na pustom urovne.
Pohozhe na vuzov.
Preobrazovanie - predstavit', chto vuzy, izbegaja men'a, etim strel'ajut.
A ja poluchaju frag, kogda dobivajus' vnimanija i vzaimnosti.

Saturday 03/29/97
Skying me can make sure I do something on time or don't forget deadline.
But it wil hamper my good will, thus less hacking (if any) will be done
in skyer's favor.
*
4DOS - another example where, I know, it's totally great program
while profile is low - strange to feel that many people DO NOT use it.
*
Prijatno, kogda zvon'at i ja pobedonosno rasputyvaju
zagadochnyj klubok. Dazhe v processe byvaet prijatno -
znachimost', sur'eznost', krutost', znanie i dry.
*
Slushaju mikrokassetu - odnovremenno dumaju
"Mnogo ih, nekogda" i "Skoro konchat's'a i op'at' nechego budet
delat'".

Monday 03/31/97
Element l'usidnogo seksa, otlichajuschij ego ot obychnogo -
ne zabochus' ob orgazme partnera. Tem ne bolee, moj sobstvennyj
orgazm poluchaets'a vzryvopodobnym - daj bog.
*
Dostaju pochtu, govor'u sebe "Nu, esli bol'she odnogo msg, to horosho" - i
ne ver'u - hochets'a, chtob 20 bylo.
*
Kakoj-to dzhust prislal pis'mo s edinstvenoj strokoj "sovsem zae**li".
Ni hrena ne objasnil. Ja emu otvetil nasmeshlivo, no negativnaja fantazija
uzhe vkl'uchilas' - idet na holostom hodu v poiskah togo, chto ja sdelal ne
tak.
Hot'a, komu eto dano opredel'at' ?
Hotel snova posmotret', kto avtor, v processe krahnul i original i otvet.
Otbiraem fokus.
*
O, eshce odin primer sozdanija real'nosti - v staroj CMS
ja hakiroval podskazku, chtoby ona govorila "Ready;", a v sledujuschej
versii standartnaja podskazka stala imenno takoj!

I esche - ja hotel, chtoby v nashem rajone byl kinoteatr - i vot on - samyj
bol'shoj v gorode!
*
Realization - isn't it amazing how I can access stuff over the WWW ?
Remember 1st time, I got Win95 - how long I fought before I got
Internet to work ?
*
Hakiruju, gluboko nyrnul i vdrug dumaju - "A kogda zh eto konchit's'a ?".
Nadejus', chto nikogda - ibo kogda konchit's'a, nechego delat' but.
*
So far I have yet to find a site which doesn't support reget.
Yay!!

Tuesday 04/01/97
Podvisajuschie WWW sajty bes'at men'a neimoverno.
*
Can you imagine Tiffany not mentioning that motor for bicycle they had ?
Can you think of Bike Machine never happening and moped days
never taking shape ? Riding car every day ?
Horror!
I am one lucky son of a bitch, to think of it.
*
Podumal - v poslednee vrem'a malo lichnogo email a - mozhet
zhurnal kogo shokiroval ?
"Ja ne pravyj, ja ne levyj,
Ja ne ul'tra, ja ne neo,
Ja nichen ne otlichajkus' ot normal'nyh l'udej,
No ja l'ubl'u hakirovat!
Ja l'ubl'u hakirovat'!"
*
224 hits since Mar 25 till Apr 1.
Average 30 a day now - used to be 7,10,15...
*
"Naked Gun" - epizod, kogda on sel na za tot stolik i sdelal
priznanie bugaju, a potom, kogda podsel k svoej podruge, zagovoril
uzhe sovsem drugim tonom.
*
Proekt "ezhednevnaja rozha" - idet uspeshno.
Interesno, kak mozhno svoe nastroenie vyrazit v mal'akannom risunke.
*
Posmotrel na indexr - samye novye stranicy "LD" i "BM".
Dumaju: "Naverno ne etogo ot men'a zhdut".
Mozhet, no ved' eto imenno to, o chem ja HOTEL pisat'!
Well, then.
*
Spinning and rubbing hands are recommended to prolong lucid dream,
when it starts fading. It may cause stabilization,
new lucid scene or false awakening.
*
Nasrudin - eng spelling of Nasreddin!
(u nih Mulla vmesto Hodzha)
"Nasrudin was chosen because he could make people laugh, and humor has a way of
slipping through the cracks of the most rigid thinking habits."
*
"Experience unparalleled adventure.  Discover the ecstasy of flying.  Explore
strange new worlds.  Dare dangerous exploits (without real danger).  Enjoy
complete sexual freedom.  Fulfill your wildest fantasies."
Stephen LaBerge (o Lucid Dreams)
*
O, ideja - try playing piano in Lucid Dream!
Until now I only tried it in regular ones.
*
"The Tibetan Buddhists have used lucid dreaming for many centuries to help
them attain realization of the illusory nature of experience."
*
NovaDreamer:
"The cue to become lucid is a light and/or a sound from the mask, in a
variety of patterns, according to your choice. It is just the right
brightness or volume to enter your dream without awakening you."
Kinda like alarm clock in like dream, though usually it is loud
enough to wake me.
*
"Parents discipline their children to train them to act "correctly," and
peers punish with ridicule, exclusion and violence when a child does
something "forbidden,". As we mature,
we internalize this training to make it unconscious, because even a
momentary slip-up can cause severe social consequences. Once social rules
become unconscious, only deliberate conscious decisions can override them."
HEY, THIS CONFIRMS MY IDEA HOW ADDING THINGS TO FOCUS WORKS!
*
"The people populating our dreams are only mental images of people, with no
power over our social standing in waking life, yet they look and act
completely real. It can be extremely difficult to ignore the dictates of
our social training when faced with wholly realistic "people". The
following analogy might make the challenge understandable in a waking
context: Imagine you are in a room with a window into another. It is a
one-way window that allows you to see into the other room, where a group of
people is sitting, looking in your direction as if watching you. However,
they cannot see you, because their side of the window is mirrored. How
would you feel about undressing, using the toilet, picking your nose,
having sex, or, say, singing, in such a situation? Now imagine that the
"audience," although they cannot see you and do not know what you are
doing, have shocked or amused expressions on their faces as you carry on
with your embarrassing activity. Dream characters are mental images of
people that we endow with the social reactions we have learned to expect
from others. Thus, if you decide to take your clothes off in a dream, the
dream people around you might act astonished, because that is what you
would expect in waking life. Your knowledge that there are no actual people
there is purely intellectual, contradicted by the evidence of your senses,
which see and hear a social situation and automatically define for you
appropriate and unacceptable behaviors. It takes solid lucidity and a
strong will, at least initially, to overcome the internalized mental
constraints of society in the essentially private world of dreams."
KSTATI, PRODOLZHAJA ETU IDEJU V STILE 'LUCID LIVING', TO ZHE
SAMOE MOZHNO SKAZAT' I DNEVNOM MIRE - L'UDI KAZHUT'S'A DIKO REAL'NYMI,
NO DOKAZAT' ETOGO NEL'Z'A. IH REAKCIJA NA MOI DEJSTVIJA NE PODTVERZHDAET
IH SUSCHESTVOVANIE - VED' I VO SNE NA MEN'A REAGIRUJUT
*
"Fear of social consequences reinforces our social deference, which in
common parlance we usually call "goodness."
*
Often, when I admit that somebody else's writing is good,
there is comparison - like it's better than mine.

Contradiction with being able to admit that somebody else
having good (not better!) singing voice - when I did that, I actually
sang better myself.
*
"If dream characters are based on our expectations, experiences, and biases
about people, then our interactions with them can help us illuminate the
blueprint we use in approaching others, and possibly even our models of our
selves. Therefore, it may not always be the best idea to dismiss dream
characters as figments of the dreamer's imagination. They may be valuable
representations of facets of your mind. If so, then dream figures are still
not "real people," in the sense that they will affect your social situation
in waking life, and so do not require adherence to social dictates, but an
attitude of respect and curiosity may help you to discover how you see
people and your relationships with them. Once again, the advice is to
utilize consciousness to choose the most effective approach. "
*
Prochel, chto v zdanii byli krazhi i chto teper' budet patrul'.
1) Usililas' trevoga, chto moi cheki-taki sperli.
2) Volnenie po povodu patrul'a - bol'she kontaktov s narodom tipa
policejskih.
3) Bojus', chto zazh**at, hot'a i nevinoven.

Vprochem, posle pervogo znakomstva polegchaet - men'a uzhe budut znat'.
*
"Anxiety is a state of uneasiness composed of two emotions:
fear and uncertainty. It results from the simultaneous
occurrence of two conditions: one is fear in regard to some
(possibly ill-defined) situation we find threatening; the
other is an uncertainty about how to avoid an unfavorable
outcome.
Anxiety may serve a biological function: it prompts us to scan our
situations more carefully and re-evaluate possible courses of
action--in search of an overlooked solution to the situation-
-in short, to become more conscious."
*
O nachinaju volnovat's'a naschet togo, chto pishu zdes', bo
etot zhurnal publikuets'a.

I edit it remember ?
Anything I don't want to post, I will not.
Later.
*
eng: bas-relief=barel'ef
*
Interesting - just spoke to Mytech support engineer - felt as if we
speak same language. Yet when I speak to secretary or clerk,
it's like 50% efficiency in communication.
*
Nalichie juzera, sovershajsuchego vse vozmozhnye tipy oshibok
ochen' polezno dl'a usilenija durakoustojchivosti sistemy.
SAY "Vvedi delitel':"
PULL A
IF A<>0 THEN SAY 100%A
ELSE SAY "Durak, na nol' delit' nel'z'a!"
*
Kogda ja smotr'u na rabotu kak na haking, proryvy prosto
neu**enny. A kogda - kak na ob'zannost' pishi propalo.
*Pishet 'propalo'*.
*
Posmotrel na raspechatku Excel i protaschils'a - neuzhto
eto ja takuju programmu hakernul ?
*
Can't say I don't have 'need for speed', but I know for sure
I have no need for helmet :)
*
Na rabote zaperli kabnet s tabletkami pod predlogom, chto "oni
prinadlezhat kompanii, tak chto nefig". Ja povorchal, a potom
pridumal vyhod - hakernut' zamok.

Friday 04/04/97
I feel fear when somebody ignores security precautions that
I would have taken - can't monitor all.
Also, creates precedent.

Konflikt - ogranichenie svobody drugih, but also seems like
this area is under my otvetstvennost'.

Obobschenie - kogda dejstvija drugogo narushajut moe spokojstvie,
ja hochu ih prekratit'.
Teoreticheski, pravil'nyh vyhod - nauchit's'a spokojno k nm otnosit's'a,
no ja poka ne vsegda umeju.
*
Esli volnuet podgotovlennost' k buduschemu sopbytiju,
hot'a ja na samom dele gotov (primer - Karlson, kazhdyj den'
vytaskivajuschij kostochku iz zemli, chtoby proverit',
kak ona vyrosla), thus we are talking RELEASING here,
predstav', chto etogo sobytija NE budet.
Primer (Jurik): dp mitinga ne budet.

Combine that idea with approaching waking mind to dream mind ?
Let's search WWW for 'lucid living'.

(Posleistorija):
Cherez 10 minut prihodit shef i govorit "Dzhojs zan'ata,
perenosim miting na sledujuschuju nedel'u".

V kombinacii s primerami izmenenija real'nosti
(eurodance, taco bell, kino, internet, intranet, svoboda informacii,
prekrashcenie dozhd'a) narastaet izr'adnoe dosje.

Esli o chem-to doshla do men'a informacija, no ja eto sil'no ne vosprin'al -
etogo net v (moej) real'nosti.
Esli otkliknuls'a - to est'.
*
Bojus' razozlit' Ann - a ved' Pola s nej kazhdyj den' rugaets'a
i nichego.
*
Shekspir: "Dreams are chief nourishers in life's feast."
*
Chem bol'she kompov v offise, tem bol'she mest, gde ja mogu s vazhnym vidom
oshovat's'a bez dela.
*
Oschuschenie "I should be doiung that, but I don't want to, but I should,
but I don't want... repeat". Sol ?
*
Gniloe oschuschenie - kogda chuvstvuju, chto delaju bol'she
chem mne hotelos' by, a cena't eto men'she, chem hotelos' by
(to est' prinimaet kak dolzhnoe/legkoe). Could be strengthened
by unrealistic expectations.
*
Price for accepting the blow quietly - this minute I pretend
I wasn't hurt, next minute, in new conversation I automatically strike out
at other person.

Saturday 04/05/97
Noch'ju nebo bylo temnym, a po krajam - svetlym.
A sejchas - naoborot.

Monday 04/07/97

Ja - dobryj.
Dikoe vnutrennee soprotivlenie, kogda ja eto sebe govor'u.
Vsplyvajut kontrargumenty.
Tol'ko ved' agrumenty, proshlye sluchai - eto vneshnij mir.
A dobrota - kachestvo, sostojanie dushi.
Priznaem chto ja ishodno dobryj.
Priznaju.
Ja - dobryj
ja dobryj (o, bukvy putaju - stalo byt' konflikt est',
ne 100centnaja uverennost').
ja hochu byt' dobrym, ja hochu dumat' o sebe kak o dobrom cheloveke.
Segodn'a "hochu=dolzhen".
Ja dolzhem, ja prosto ob'azan priznat' svoju dobrotu
raz i navsegda.
I ne tol'ko dobrotu.
Krasotu i chuvstvo jumora (feel neudobstvo - kak prochtut ? nu i ? ne
zahochu - ne opublikuju. ja zh s soboj govor'u).
priznaju izobretatel'nost', veselost', bezalabernost', len',
molnienosnuju reakciju, muzykal'nost', horoshij golos,
talant pisatel'a, potr'asajuschuju silu moej napravlennoj energii,
tot fakt, chto ja dostoin l'ubvi i to, chto ja umeju l'ubit'
(oo, op'at' vozrazhenija chuvstvuju).
Umeju l'ubit'. Hochu umet'. Hochu l'ubit'.
Hochu davat' i darit' i pet' ej i laskat' i rasskazyvat' i l'ubovat's'a
i smotret' v glaza i gul'at' vmeste i derzhat's'a za ruki i dostigat'
7go neba i vozvraschat's'a i vstrechat's'a v l'usidnyh snah i mechtat'
vmeste i govorit' i dumat' i nemnozhno sporit' i ponimat' i chuvstvovat'
drug druga...

Tuesday 04/08/97
Sozdanie real'nosti - ja ezdil v CompUSA, kak obychno zaderzhals'a.
Po doroge govoril sebe: "Men'a ni o chem ne budut sprashivat'".
Priehal - i tochno, ni voprosa ot nachal'stva.

Metod tovarischa Sverdlova javno podtverzhdaets'a.
*
Pochemu ulybchivogo (murlybchivogo) cheloveka neznakomec
poprivestvuet skoree, chem mrachnogo ? Bezopasnost' - otvetnoe
privetstvie bolee verojatno.

Eng: gills=zhabry.
*
Ter'ajus', kogda drugoj chelovek govorit, chto ne umeet l'usidit'.
Kazalos' by, posle moego zhurnala, nichego uzhe i predlozhit' nel'z'a.

Esche inogda chuvstvuju granicu, provodimuju mezhdu obychnym snom
i l'usidnym... hot'a l'usidnye nachinajuts'a iz obychnyh i neredko
v nih perehod'at.
Bolee togo, u men'a bylo nemalo obychnyh snov, kotorye ja pomnil
(i voobsche dream recall - poleznaja shtuka) i kotorye hotel
by opisat', no okazalos' negde.

Wednesday 04/09/97
Dot'agivat' do poslednego - metod bor'by s volneniem - ja
sovershenno ne dumaju o dele i v poslednij moment brosaju na nego
vse sily, a potom prihodit srok i vse.
Esli zhe sdelat' zaranee, ostaets'a vrem'a dl'a volnenija: "A tak li ja
sdelal ? A mozhet chto zabyl ? A kak k etomu otnesut's'a ?" - waste of
energy.

In fact, est' strannoe udovol'stvie v tom, chto srok priblizhaets'a,
a ja - ni v us nogoj.

Thursday 04/10/97
Person doesn't become less good by suppressing the expression
of goodness. Potential is still there, ready to manifest.
Reason for suppression is P&P - seems like more pain to open to
it then to ignore it.
A kstati, ja zhe otcu poslal Rechepis!
I Zapiski Sumashedshih tozhe mozhno svarganit'.
O, a on mozhet tolknut' i podzarabotat' na etom :)
Tem bolee, chto nekotorye shutki - ego :)
*
"Fond idej dl'a hudozhnikov" - u odnih est' idei,
no ne umejut risovat', u drigih est' umenie, no vdohnovenie prihodit
ne vsegda."
*
Svetskaja beseda - vse speltniki - bezopasno govorit'
tol'ko o mure, hence smalltalk.
V rezul'tate vse odinoki - nikto ne govorit o tom, chto dorogo.
*
Energija - mozhet byt' rassejannyj svet, a mozhet i vsepronichajsuchij
lazer.
*
Pogovoril s Anej - daj bog, javil iz seb'a
psihologa vysshego klassa.
(Skazal i pochuvstvoval neuverennost' - 'did I really ?'.
Well, it did feel that way. And still does when I remember
the talk).
A potom dumaju - "A kto by men'a tak uteshil ?
Kto mozhet mne tak pozvonit', kogda mne slabo ?".
Vprochem, Dean Gray mne predlagal popl'apat' (dazhe
kartochku dal) i Inner Child is coming up - protaschims'a.

Friday 04/11/97
Po povodu "trudno otkazyvat's'a" - distinction mezdhu temi, kto
prosto grebet den'gi i temi, kto iskrenne lichno mne chto-to predlagaet.
Pervym otkazyvat' zakonno i ja etim uspeshno ovladel.
Vtoroj sluchaj slozhnee.

Monday 04/14/97
Vspomnil, chto mozhno i ne brosat' vse, chto delaju pri pre pervoj
zhalobe jzuerov - mozhno prosto brat' raschep'atku i klast' ee v arhiv.
Dl'a ochovtiratel'stva, solidnyj folder ne pomeshaet.
*
Anger management - the tiger pattern is great fun -
srazu posle igrivost' usilivaets'a. Yay!
*
Thought opposite to "skorej by eto konchilos":
"i can have fun, no matter what i do!"
*
Doing something in face of fear may help when
fear grows as I remain inactive.
Case in ... case: i want to check mail, but am afraid that
there is one nasty letter in there.
*
Sravnenie - CPU when overheats does unexpected things.
Person when he gets anrgy, can do too.
CPU needs fan to cool it off.
Analogy - what can person have for cooling ?

286->486 need fans now, more speed => more heat.
World is becoming faster => more heat (stress) -
to stay cool I need to find how to use fan.
Alternative is to downgrade (like move back to slow life,
away from the goods of civilization).
*
Remember 3601-6B ? "Eto zvuchit kak rugatel'stvo".
I ja ego prin'al, kak from authority - ignorant as he was (is)
on the subject.
*
Interesno, Moped Hospital shows pic of Targa with two on it -
not quite the same as mine, but can it have changed as far
as weight reqs ?

Tuesday 04/15/97
V zagnitii prisutstvuet, pust' nejavnaja, no vse-taki komanda - ostavat's'a
v plohom nastroenii.
"Tom vyshel iz odnoj dveri v to vrem'a, kak solnce i radost' voshlo vmeste
s Meri v druguju".
Iz toj zhe oblasti mozhet byt' izbeganie (nu i slovo) smotret' v glaza,
kogda gnilo. Official'naja prichina: "Ne znaju, kak smotret', huzhe budet".
A mozhet eto tol'ko predlog ? Izol'acija ot togo, chto mozhet break the
state ?

"Ja hochu (i dolzhen!) byt' v horoshem nastroenii" - rabotaet!
*
Good way to focus one 1 q at a time: use RANGE in KEDIT.
(can I use this for visual as well?
*
If you want people to follow your way, make it easy and pleasant for
them.

Ja rasshir'aju zonu svoego zhelanija/vlijanija/krutizny tem, chto
del'us'. Bols'he veschej idet tak, kak ja hochu i ja
bogateju. Eto chto, pervyj shag k ponimaniju sv'azi mezhdu give/receive ?

Distinction:
dobit's'a togo, chto ja hochu vs. dobit's'a togo, chto
drugoj sam predprimet shagi k tomu, chtoby men'a uvazhit'.
Which rings true ? Bing! 1st one!
*
Kakova cel' kritiki ? Zaklevat', chtoby prekratili ?
Podognat' pod svoj vkus ? Ili pooschrit', chtob prodolzhili ?
Dl'a men'a - chto-to srednee mezhdu 2m i 3m.
*
Uteshenie dl'a shtatov (snova natknuls'a na anekdot 'what in common') -
v evrope na mopedah legche ezdit' ne ot togo, chto l'udi moral'no
sil'nee, a ot togo, chto eto po karmanu i potomu chto mnogie drugie
na nih pyr'at.
*
Primer "a mozhet im tak nravit's'a" - chihaju, shmyrgaju,
a k mashine za ingal'atorom ne idu. Mozhet potomu chto ne ver'u
v ego dejstvennost', a mozhet:  mne i pravda neploho, chto fizicheskij
fefekt zaslon'aet vozmozhnye duhovnye perezhivanija ?
*
Perchityvaju svoi starye pis'ma (v interesah konspigacii,
ee im'a zameneno na 'Ona').
 Opublikuju otryvki, ter'at' nam nechego, krome svoih chepchikov.

"Esche, ja zametil, kak my podderzhivaem drug druga. Ja sklonen k podderzhke
i sochuvstviju, no inogda i sam nuzhdajus' v nih. Kogda ja komu-to ih
okazyvaju, a pozzhe, kogda oni nuzhny i mne, ne poluchaju nichego v otvet,
mne trudno ostavat's'a chutkim. Mozhet, poetomu ja inogda kazhus' sebe
egoistom. No sejchas ja nachinaju ponimat', chto delo ne vo mne, a vo
vzaimnom ponimanii, sposobnosti ulovit', kogda luchshe vozderzhat's'a ot
shutok ili obvinenij i prosto podstavit' drugomu plecho, na kotoroe mozhno
operet's'a."
*
"Zdes' Andrej vstupil v otchajannyj boj s kojotom i oderzhal reshitel'nuju
pobedu, tak kak kojot ego ne zametil",
*
"Zdes' Ona byla pohischena u podrug neznakomcem v chernoj maske (pravda
neznakomec po rassejanosti proboltals'a, kto on takoj, da i masku zabyl
doma), posle chego on podverg ee progulke i zatem pytals'a utaschit' v svoe
logovo v les.  Utaschil uspeshno, no logova tam ne okazalos'".
*
"Vprochem, ja ne ter'aju bditel'nosti. Ja prot'anul cherez offis verevku i
kak tol'ko kto-to podhodit podozritel'no blizko i s grohotom letit cherez
nee, lomaja mebel' i oborudovanie, ja nastorazhivajus'.
*
"Tak vot, ja popytals'a u mamy uklonchivo vyjasnit', est' li u nas lestnica:
prihozhu k nej i govor'u "Gde lestnica ?!".  Ona srazu pon'ala, k chemu ja
klon'u i govorit "V podvale".
*
"Ja sizhu na rabote u muchitel'no bor'us' so snom. Utrom, kogda mama mne
skazala, chto ne nado tak pozdno lozhit's'a, ja ej objasnil, chto ne nado
tak rano budit'. K sozhaleniju, moj veskij dovod ne podejstvoval, men'a za
ushi vytaschili iz posteli i otpravili na rabotu. Zdes' bylo by neploho,
esli by bylo bol'she udobstv (idealy, podushki) i men'she narodu."
*
"Ja uvazhaju ritoricheskie voprosy, zabavno pritvor'ats'a chto pon'al ih
bukval'no. Vsego zabavnee, kogda moj brat sprashivaet "Chto ja po tvoemu,
durak?" i ja s serjeznym vidom otvechaju "Da". Eto ego sovershenno
vybivaet iz kolei, hot'a kazalos' by, poluchil podtverzhdenie - i davaj,
izlagaj dal'she."
*
"Ja kazhets'a prishel v normu. Chasa v 2 nochi prosnuls'a v uzhase chto
uzhe pora na rabotu, no uslyshal, chto nikto ne vorchit i nikto ne poet v
vannoj - stalo byt' esche ne utro."
*
"Eta... nel'z'a zhe tak, uchen'je vse-taki svet, zapohazhivaets'a.
Voz'mi primer s men'a - ja i Gogol'a podm'otyval, i Lermontova
podm'otyval... I vot ja uzhe ne dvornik, a glavnyj specialist po
ekspluatacii ustrojstva tipa "metla" s ruchnym upravleniem.
I kogo ne sprosi - hot' storozha, hot' shvejcara, vse men'a uvazhajut."
*
"Voobschem, esli ty chitaesh' eto posle ekzamena, nadejus' chto proneslo.
A esli vmesto... *prinimaet groznyj vid i govorit strashnye slova:
"Aj-jaj-jaj!"*
*
"Segodn'a utrom, kogda ja prishel na rabotu, na men'a, zhuzhzha naletela
staja sotrudnikov i stali zasypat' voprosami i zakazami. Ja s dostoinstvom
razlozhil vse po polochkam: "Eto mura", "Eto nevozmozhno", "Eto slozhno i
zajmet mnogo vremeni, no ja etim zajmus'. I ne pristavajte ko mne poka ja
etim zanimajus'". Teper' ja spokojno mogu zan'ats'a svoimi delami."
*
"*Brosaet valenkom v teh, kto norovit esche chto-nibud' sprosit'. Otkl'uchaet
telefon i vyvinvhivaet probki. Kak ni stranno, moj kompjuter prodolzhaet
rabotat' na odnom entuziazme*"
*
"*Kovyr'aet noskom zeml'u. Zeml'a zametno cherneet, a nosku hot' by chto*"
*
"Sizhu na rabote i dumaju, chem by takoe zan'ats'a. Nachal'niki pytajuts'a
nameknut' chto ne meshalo by porabotat', no ja s snishoditel'noj ulybkoj
otmahivajus' ot takih predlozhenij. Net, nado myslit' mashtabnee. To li ves'
mir pokorit', to li otkryt' Sent-Luisskoe otdelenie Assamblei vsa'kih teorij
o Pojavlenii i Okochurivanii Zemli. Del u nas mnogo. Zadachi predstojat
bol'shie. No my reshim ih i reshim ih ob'azatel'no. (Poslednie tri
predlozhenija - citata iz kakogo-to klassika... Nekrasov ? ne.. kak ego..
Tolstoj? tozhe net.. a, vspomnil: Brezhnev!).
*
"Korpl'u nad resheniem vse toj zhe problemy, pravda periodicheski
otvlekajus', chtoby predohraniteli ne sgoreli.
Pozhaluj, dazhe chasche otvlekajus' chem korpl'u, no dl'a men'a i 20% -
ochen' horoshij KPD."
*
"Ostalos' 2 chasa, no tvoe mrachnoe prorochestvo po prezhemu ne sbylos' - ja
bodr, vesel i v pike formy, za iskl'ucheniem malen'kuh detalej: putaju
bukvy, zatormozhenno otvechaju i vizhu vse vverh nogami (kstati dazhe udobno
- gravitacija tozhe rabotaet naoborot i jubki vedut seb'a sootvetstvenno..
gm.. da. Pardon, uvleks'a)

*Reshitel'no osuzhdaet apolitichnye shutki proshlogo paragrafa. Zarubaet
sebe na nosu, potom bezhit k zerkalu i l'ubuets'a zarubkami. A chto, mne
idet*
*
"Kogda nashi glaza vstrechajuts'a, eti slova zhurchat, perelivajuts'a i pojut
v nashem nemom dialoge, povtor'aja snova i snova starye kak mir, no vechno
junye slova l'ubvi. Cari uhoda't, rushat's'a gory, pogibajut i
vozrozhdajuts'a civilizacii, no L'ubov' vechna. Na nej derzhits'a mir, i
bez l'ubvi, ne stoilo by mir i sotvor'at'."
*
"Izvini, chto v etom pis'me net poleznoj informacii... hot'a chego stojat
folianty i mnogotomnye trudy po sravneniju s odnim slovom nezhnosti, s odnoj
pesnej solov'ja, s poslednim luchom solnca pered zakatom ?"
*
"S utra ja hotel bylo porabotat', no posle togo kak napisal pis'mo tebe (sam
seb'a rastrogal pri etom :), a osobenno posle tvoego otveta, moje hvalenoje
trudol'ubie' uletuchilos'. Gore-to kakoe."
*
"Povtor'aets'a staraja istorija - prochitav tvoe pis'mo ja ischezaju kak
cheshirskij kot i ostaets'a tol'ko moja ulybka. Ostal'nye otnos'ats'a k nej
s podozreniem, uver'aja, chto videli programmistov bez ulybok, no ne
naoborot."
*
"Moj KPD stremitel'no priblizhaets'a k nul'u i ja nachinaju pobaivaets'a,
chto on stanet otricatel'ym, i togda ja nachnu razbirat' oborudovanie i
stirat' svoi programmy. Vot smehu-to budet."
*
"Spasti ot smerti golodnogo kotenka vazhnee chem
poluchit' povyshenie zarplaty, a podat' nischemu poleznee, chem
kupit' luchshij televizor."
*
"Vrode vse. Segodn'a ja vyprosil vyhodnoj, hot'a pohozhe,
zr'a - doma u nas assenizacionno-politicheskie problemy ,
vyzvali slesar'a i mne vse ravno ne budet pokoja."
*
"Paradoksal'naja situacija - zanimat's'a delom
neohota a prosto tak hakirovat' - stydno. V kachestve kompromissa
sovershenno nichego ne delaju. Navernoe u men'a slozhnaja diagramma sovesti,
kak u Dzheffa Pitersa."
*
"Moe mesto raboty men'a ochen' umstvenno stimuliruet - stol'ko vs'akih myslej
lezet, pravda bolshinstvo s rabotoj ne sv'azannyh. I ne vse mysli umnye."
*
...
"(Poslednie strochki poluchilis' kak v bulvarnom romane.
Vprochem, ja bylvarnyh romanov ne chital, tak chto
poruchitsa ne mogu)."
*
"Obychno ja usheshno otbrykivajus', govor'a, chto oni uzhe
chto-to sdelali s kompjuterom posle problemy,a stalo byt'
nevozmozhno ee vysledit'. Na etot raz mne pozvonili po
gor'achim sledam i prishlos' zasuchit' rukava i pojti obedat'. Posle
obeda ja s neudovolstviem obnaruzhil, chto nikto za men'a
programmu ne ispravil, drugoj offis vse esche ne
obankrotils'a i ob oshibke esche ne zabyli, nesmotr'a na
davnost' let. Prishlos' zan'ats'a remontom.
*
"Tvoj Andrej, superhaker/romantik/shahmatist/bezdel'nik."

Thursday 04/17/97
Po povodu nel'udimosti - ja kazhdyj den' na rabote
vraschajus' sredi l'udej i nichego, normal'no.
*
Dzhusty, kotorye govorili: "V win95 dobavili novuju 'close window'
knopku v kazhdoe okno, juzery 3.1 budut oshibat's'a" - oni
bessmyslenno borolis' za strukturu, protiv izmenenij, pust' dazhe krutyh.
*
Terpet' ne mogu, kodga men'a vydel'ajut iz tolpy i govor'at kakuju-nibud'
pakost'.
*
Creative energy has to go somewhere.
I can spend it, entertaining my friends. Or I can write.
If I don't express at all, I feel boring.

Friday 04/18/97
Mozhno vo-vrem'a ozhidanija (tipa zagruzki programmy) zanimat's'a
chem-nibud' meditativnym,
*
Pomnish', ved' ja mechatl zadelat's'a providerom ?
Vot we are i there, dude.

"Chem bol'she novyh vpechatlenij, tem bol'she horoshih snov".
Eto poka neizvestno, no stabil'no fantazij bol'she.

Saturday 04/19/97
FAT - tozhe struktura - ja uveren, chto vnachale abbreviaturu
dl'a smeha-to i podobrali. A teper' ob etom ne govor'at i esli
kto-to nachinaet hihikat', na nego smotr'at, deskat' "Temnyj chelovek".
*
Judging goes hand in hand with ignorance.
Insufficient info and lack of desire to understand.
*
Inogda chuvstvuju diskomfort ottogo chto ne ispolzuju brand name.
What do you use ? - sprashivajut, a togo, chto u men'a v spiske net -
ni PC-File v bazah dannyh, ni Omni v spiske web serverov.
But they are good.

Monday 04/21/97
U men'a est' spr'atannyj beleif, chto tol'ko drugie imejut pravo na
chuvstva. Esli zhe i ja chuvstvuju, to vse ravno chuvstva drugih vazhnee
i u nih, konechno, bol'she prichin zagnivat'.
Rezul'tat - zamalchivanie svoih. Inogda vspyshki zhalosti k sebe -
togda ja otygryvajus'.
*
S rabochej motivaciej kuda bol'she kajfa esli ja NE dumaju,
chto men'a ispol'zujut/tretirujut. I dejstvitel'no, ja ne zagruzhaju
seb'a bol'she, chem sam hochu - sam opredel'aju svoju skorost', sroki
i kpd. A takzhe, rabotat' li voobsche ili baldet' ves' den'.
*
Sm fajl memory: prijatnye vospominanija.
*
Kstati, rabota (v otlichie ot tvorcheskogo hakirovanija) v chem-to
srodni meditacii.
*
Konflikt - take time to enjoy victory vs pol'zovat's'a zhelaniem
rabotat', poka ono est'.
*
Po povodu svobodnogo vremeni - pozhalel bylo, chto nekogda
katat's'a, no ved' eto moj vybor - esli hochu, jamogu vstavat' v 10-11
i gon'at'. Vybor moj - mir snov ili etot. No wrong choice either.
*
Horosho by najti sposob ponemnogu smakovat', kogda mnogo email-
vmesto togo, chtoby brosat's'a, chitat' po diagonali i skoree vse
prosmotret' - okazavshis' snova s pustym mailboxom.
*
I hate to be the one to admit it, but even one check before running
prg could save debugging time.
*
Those bugs I find do not result in much user feedback, but
they bring peace of mind, as system gets more and more reliable.
*
OHOTA makes sense not only because at diff time I may have easy sol for
what seems like challenge at a time. It could also be that next time
I look, I'll be quite willing to look for solution.
*
Mozhno objasnit', pochemu malo emailov, v stile emira
buharskogo - deskat' sami stesn'ajut's'a.
Mozhet dobavit' kakuju nibud' pl'ushku, poprosit' otkrytym tekstom,
chtob pobol'she pisali ? Vprochem, ja eto tol'ko chto sdelal,
zdes' :)
*
A voobsche, zhit' neploho.
Celi est' (v dannyj moment - haking i pripech' spammers)
i kajf est' (moped! i wasp).
*
Look at dreams - there are worlds inside me.
Beauty and adventure and women.

Wednesday 04/23/97
Spokojstvie sredi buri - horosho.
A kogda net buri - esche lucshe.

Thursday 04/24/97
Ja otkazyvajus' i otbrykivajus', poka davlenie na men'a
ne spadet. Zatem, esli ideja byl neplohoj, ja eto vse-taki
delaju. Esli polyrit', sovsem neplohoj metod.
*
Vozmozhno, luchshaja stretegija s Poloj - eto imenno
skladirovat' zakazy, a to konca i kraja ne vidno.
"Bez konca, do konca".
*
Horosho, chto na WWW ne dogadalis' v skriptah prover'at',
otkuda prishla forma - togda by form hacking nakryls'a.
*
Pogruzhenie v haking - zaschita ot shuma i peregruzki.
No ne ot mira v celom, poetomu nichto ne meshaet mne ottajat',
kogda ataka prekratilas'.
Pravda ja inogda ob etom zabyvaju i kazhets'a, chto u men'a
drugogo mira i net.
*
Admit it: Netscape's not loading even local imgs
whne 'auto load images' is off is good for stealth purposes.
*
Space at CRL/Inlink is strictly mine - only I decide,
what to use it for. Davaem priznaem, chto roman
s THE i na etot raz ne poluchils'a - i krahnem ego s CRL.
*
Speaking of being independent - even shareware.com gives
good reviews to ALL programs, while some of them are total
and utter junk.
*
Staying permenently angry at somemody (formerly Microsoft, now -
Cyberpromo/Agis) feels like having a purpose.
Not what I would choose, but this one works, unlike
other purposes, which feel like sinusoida.
Kak Vader v "Shadows of the Empire" - "if only he could stay
permanently angry...".

Friday 04/25/97
When "it's best for me" doesn't feel good enough reason to keep it/
use it/be proud of it , then I go out proving that it's best for everybody
and, of course, fail.  Then I am no longer totally sure if it's good.
Goes for REXX, for example.
*
Terpet' ne mogu, kogda chelovek hvastaets'a, hvastaets'a,
a kogda ja hochu i chem-to svoim podelit's'a - otmahivaets'a.
*
Realization: I can take whatever they give me, start reading and
if I don't like it - just quit. Easy, huh ? Oh-ah.
*
Speaking of independence, CNET reviews do NOT praise all programs.

Tuesday 04/29/97
Chuvstvuju, chto acceptance dl'a men'a vsegda diko prijatno,
no ja ochen' chasto pobaivajus', chto proishodit oshibka - sejchas
sdelaju chto-nibud' ne to i men'a poshl'ut; uznajut, kakoj ja na samom
dele - i otkazhut's'a; poter'aju sposobnost' - i bol'she budu neinteresen;
obizhu - i ne prost'at; chto im i bez men'a vpolne dostatochno taska.
*
Primer Omnigo: vnachale  idealiziroval, sejchas ochern'aju.
Vozmozhnyj vyvod: vsegda neizbezhno uvizhu vse storony, tol'ko
mogu eto sdelat' libo vnachale, libo zhdat', poka drugaja pokazhets'a.
Global'naja teorija - k l'ud'am tozhe otnosits'a.
*
Fears regarding creation of mailing list:
1) Nikto ne zapishets'a
2) Vyjdet iz-pod kontrol'a, budet suschestvovat' bez men'a.
*
Bilif:
esli ne mogu skazat' chego-to ostroumnogo, luchshe voobsche
nichego ne govorit'.
*
Bystree, l'udi zhdut - is bullshit.
Ja ne hochu eto prinimat', kak argument.
*
Another adv of OHOTA - sometimes I go there to
make or renew request and find out that already done it!!
For example, F4 letter swapping already works in cmdline!
*
Rush could be hiding neuverennost'.
*
"Perhaps Empire will realize that you are not indispensable" -
said Thrawn.
"On the contrary, grand-admiral" - roared Cbaoth - "
I am now the only man indispensable to my Empire!"
*
I feel guilty when somebody else's effort is wasted,
even though it could be their mistake.
For example, guy sent me wrong database, I told him and
then we fixed it ourselves. He fixed it too, but too late.
Guilt. Kinda. A, pes s nim.
*
Our blessings - finger @host that gives list of users
is a damned good blessing!
Damned good coffee too :)
*
Shipilov:
"Druzja, mne ochen' vazhno znat', chto vy dumaete obo vsem
etom. Ne polenites' schelknut' myshkoj. Kladite svoi vpechatelenija
s'uda".

Mozhno kak obrazec ispol'zovat'.

Friday 05/02/97
Vina, chto ja chego-to ne delaju oslabevaet, esli mne ne dali
dostatochnoj informacii dl'a togo, chtoby eto sdelat'.
*
People can solve their problems, even if they act like they
are totally unable to deal with them.
*
Tot fakt, chto kak tol'ko nado by poshutit' (v emaile naprimer),
slova VSEGDA prihod'at, govorit o tom, chto Force men'a NE ostavl'aet.
*
Asphalt Philosopher:
"I remember the little boy in a man's body, tough and invincible and
rebellious, fighting the demons of doubt. I remember the fear of growing
old and having missed something.

So I missed nothing and nothing missed me. "

"Darkness has no force. Light is the strength."

"My hair is silver, but my heart is young and my wings are intact. "

Monday 05/05/97
Possible use for wait time - find little things I didnt'
have time to do - now I do have time.
*
Communication: "this is what i want", rather than blaming other
for not guessing what I want.
*
Quick giving up could be caused by "Ne poluchaets'a ?
Tak ne bol'no-to i nuzhno!"

Monday 05/05/97
V horoshem sostojanii - dazhe v golovu ne prihodit
podstraivat's'a pod plohoe nastroenie drugih.
*
Zhelanie pomogat' rezko padaet, kogda kazhet's'a, chto
eto spokojno mogut sdelat' i bez men'a.
*
Kogda mne rasskazyvajut shutku po anglicki, a ja ne vrubajus',
no pritvor'ajus', chto smejus', oschuschenie neplohoe - hot'
i ne nastojschaja rzhaka, no pohozhe.

Tuesday 05/06/97
Judge not - if you assume person to be evil, your choices are:
fight, run, deceive or cope/endure.
*
Honesty is not about boltaT' chto vzbredet v golovu - it's about making
my Deep Intent known. Once other person sees intent as non-threatening,
they might be happy to help.

Fear to show Real Intent - yet the Truth is, RI is more likely to succeed,
because it is seldom, if ever, evil. Thus other person has no reason to
counter-attack.
*
Chin'a to, chto ja polomal, ja mogu chuvstovat' vinu ili spokojstvie -
nikto etogo ne uvidit. A spokojstvie chuvstvovat' prijatnee.
Vneshne zhe ja mogu vtyrazhat' chto ugodno (hot'a by v stile
Leshki Berimora).

Vina i pripekanie lichno, ne dl'a reshenija - mogut ispol'zovat's'a
"chtob vpred' ne povtor'alos'".
*
Voobshe-to, vylozhit's'a i poterpet' neudachu ne tak ploho,
kak kazhet's'a.

Wednesday 05/07/97
Complete answer is the right one - it's the words that do not require
a specific answer to get a full picture. They are like a little copy
of myself - whatever the reply is, I expressed myself completely -
and I feel good about it. When I do this, I feel easy and do not worry
afterwards, do not feel the need to continue conversation and change
something.

Such words do not necessarily come to mind first, but I do feel when
I've found them - as if parts finally snapped into place and I am calm.

Confirmation, from book "Conversations with God":
(o, napisal nazvanie i chuvstvuju neuverennost' - kak
ateisty otnesut's'a ? I hochet's'a otmezhevat's'a, chtoby
men'a sluchaem ne otnesli k predstavitel'am official'noj religii)
"It's is much more important how message is sent, than
how it is received".
*
Strah - teper', kohda procent ser'eznogo materiala n astranice
uvelichils'a, budut men'she chitat'.
Otvetim, kak Mister First: "Nash zritel' zhdet nas!".

Thursday 05/08/97
Vchera ja goreval, chto Talk ne pashet, k vecheru uspeshno ego ustanovil,
a segodn'a vorchu, chto nikto na talk ne vyzyvaet.
*
Remember when sites 'All in one search' seemed like a mystery,
an example of ingenious hacking ? Well, I can do that now.
Just a perspective check - I am WAY farther than I used to be.
*
Po-prezhenmu neredko voznikaet zaschitnaja reakcija, kogda mne govor'at,
chto na stranice chto-to ne rabotaet.
*
Volnujus', kogda men'aju chto-to v stranice, flazhok "KU", pojavl'ajets'a,
a najti izmenenija neprosto - chego podumajut ?

Monday 05/12/97
Somebody bragging that he's unbeatable doesn't really mean that he is.

Especially in 3d games - there is no authority, except self-appointed ones.
*
Zamet' - rubaem v Quake i ni o kakih zaderzhek i rechi net -
a ved' ne vsegda tak bylo - pomnish', kak u nas ran'she DOOM
tormozil ?
*
There isn't nearly as many computer problems as users think there are.
*
"Make laws so people can all obey them and not have to break them to make a
living when they are poor."
Znakomo, a ?
*
Easy way to make sure I am contacted by who I want to be contacted -
make 1st move myself.
Simple, but unexpected. But simple.
*
Bilif o biznese - ja ih vizhu libo kak zhulikov, libo kak nadoedalok,
vechno lezuschih s reklamoj.
*
Sluchajnye prijatnye prikosnovenija - I can enjoy them, why not ?
Naprimer, provod ot naushnika provodit po ruke - purr!
*
Balans: libo provesti kontakt kak sleduet, libo gde-to sekonomit'
i povysit' risk miskommunikacii.
*
Mozhet professional'noe otnoshenie prihodit ot togo, chto
tak mnogo s chem-to stalkvaesh's'a ? Ne rzhat' zhe nad etim
i noch' ?

Tuesday 05/13/97
Limit poiska podverzhdenija so storony: 'yes-men' v okruzhenii.
*
Sometimes asking directly can feel safer than worrying and making up stuff.
*
Unity could mean 'no jealousy'.
And working together could produce greater results that any
of us alone could reach.
Yet, what about socialism ?

Wednesday 05/14/97
Comtemplate "permission to relax, not to be tense - when
working".

"Mushketery, l'ubivshie komfort, prinesli po stulu dl'a seb'a i dl'a Atosa".
*
Other's rage doesn't have to be mine.
*
When I come up with something that I think is funny, it's good idea
to write it down as soon as possible, before doubts set in.
*
"It's not only which one method of solving problem is easier -
it is also which one you would actually like to try".
"Kak legko dostignut' vs. kak prijatno dostigat'".
(Yuri)
*
Internet kak kollektivnoe soznanie - tam uzhe mozhet byt'
otvet, a esli net, to mozhno sprosit'.
*
Mozhno, v principe, nastavit' vsezde schetchikov i posmotret', kakie
imenno sekcii narod chitaet, tol'ko chto ja potom budu delat'
s etimi dannymi ? Become customer-driven ? No way!
*
The words caused by impulse can actually be safe and satisfying
for all parties, though these words may not look that way if
I take time to scrutinize them.

Primer iz litry: otkaz D'artan'jana ot vseh trebovanij k koroleve
v konce "20 let spust'a".

Thursday 05/15/97
Vstretils'a s horoshim chelovekom - prodavec mopedov v B&J.
Privetlivyj i doverchivyj.
Sejchas taschus' i vsem razdaju energiju - komu slovami, komu
limonadom :)

How about belief "There ARE good people ?".
Kak v pesne "vspomni pro l'udej horoshih". Kazhets'a vpervye
]ta pesn'a nachinaet delat' smysl.

Podumal, chto mozhet etim "Chicken Soup for the Soul" tak kruta -
tam vse rasskazy nepridumannye, i vse - pro horoshih l'udej.
*
Kindness is not stupid. Preaching is.
*
Distinction between impulse & hurry ?
*
Nabl'udenie: inogda v emaile ja ischu samyle luchshie soosbchenija
i nachinaju s nih, a segodn'a naoborot - otkladyvaju luchshie na potom.
Mozhet potomu chto ja ne ischu v nih sposoba ukrutit' nstroenie - ono
i tak horoshee.
*
Feeling is what it is. Subsequent inetrpretations and adjustments
do not change the fact that it WAS felt.
*
Complete/peaceful solution does not at all mean that I have
to sacrifice integrity. Somehow it manages to serve all sides.
*
Konflikt - hochets'a rasskzat' pro ZipMagic, no bojus' nasvinit'...
sol: tell ALL - bad parts too.

Friday 05/16/97
Pri perehode ot bezdejstvija k kakomu-to zan'atiju, vstupaet vina,
chto:
1) Ja delaju eto, a ne drugoe.
2) Ja delaju ne to, chto polozheno.
   Hot'a dazhe esli sravnit' s tochki zrenija drugih - gorazdo
   bol'shemu chislu l'udej pol'za ot togo, chto ja dobavl'u
   anekdotov na stranicu, chem ot chego-to po rabote.
   O!
3) Drugie ne mogut zanimat's'a tem zhe.
*
Nado zan'at's'a etim i togda mne budet horosho VS. mne horosho
i mozhno etim zana'ts'a.
*
My reshili vosstanovit' Diktaturu Programmista.
Odin iz elementov - esli chto-to sprashivajut, o chem ja uzhe
napisal v dokumentacii - rugnut', chtob chitali.
*
Targa came back AFTER I've made a wonder vehicle out of New Bike Machine
(Doch' Antilopy). Coincidence ? I don't think so.
Related to "you will be with people when you learn not to need them".

Wednesday 05/21/97
Primer "what you give, comes back to you".
Skazat' kompliment i otvet "Sam takoj!" budet otvetnoj pohvaloj.
I kstati, v polnom sootvetstvii s Karnegi, eto srabotaet tol'ko
s ISKRENNIM komplimentom.
*
Novyj sposob razreshenija konflikta (parkticheski primenen Jurikom).
Vo vnutrennem konflikte chasto est' odno iz reshenij, kotoroe
ja HOTEL BY prin'at', no ne mogu iz-za togo, chto vtoraja storona
sporit.
Tak vot, esli vlozhit' v usta vnutrennego protivnika mahrovye,
preuvelichennye argumenty, vpolne vozmozhno chto on poter'aet
ot etogo silu i stanet prosto smeshnym => proigraet spor.
*
Sposob vybora putem monetki. Kazhets'a, i togo i drugogo hochets'a
odinakovo. Reshaju, esli vypadet orel, sdelaju
tak. Brosaju, vypala reshka, dumaju: "Blin!". Stalo byt' vozmozhnosti
byli NERAVNOCENNYMI.
Vozmozhnoe ob'jasnenie - kogda mne nepon'atno, chego
hochet's'a, ja nahozhus' v seredine konflikta. Posle togo,
kak monetka upala, reshenije uzhe kak by prin'ato - ja smotr'u
nazad i vizhu, chto vybral ne to, chto hotelos'.
Eto odna iz variacij sposoba "iskazhenija vremeni".
*
Koida otgorazhivajus' ot mira naushnikami, dikoe oblegchenie
postepenno perehodit v vinu, chto, jakoby nespravedlivo postupaju
k ostal'nym.
F**k that!
I don't owe any f**ng body to feel miserable!
Never!
Nevermore!!!

Thursday 05/22/97
Way to tell Complete Answer: when it comes, rehearsal stops and I feel at
peace.

Friday 05/23/97
Moja situacija chasto napominaet tu, v kotoroj by Jankel' v SHKIDe,
kogda on operedil "l'ubovnuju gor'achku" na god i vse nad nim
nasmehalis'. He chose to drop what's his to avoid mockery.
What will I choose ?
No question about it - I'll keep what I like.
But I'd really want to learn to be at peace with whatever
others are saying.

"Forgive them, for they know not what they are doing".

Esche, mozhno v principe, ispol'zovat' cifry v svoju pol'zu -
ved' bol'shinstvo otzyvov - polozhitel'nye.
Osobenno esli k nim pripl'usovat' ves' mopednyj email,
kotoryj ja poluchaju!

Kstati teper' mysl' obnovit' Shuru uzhe stalkivaets'a s
soprotivleniem: "Chto, iz-za drugih ? A vot ne budu!".

Tuesday 05/27/97
Fakt chto horoshaja mysl' vspominaets'a i usilija rano ili
pozdno voznragrazhdajuts'a - sohranenie energii ?
*
When somebody calls me to talk, it's easier, rejection-wise.
When I call, kompleksuju more.
*
Esli kurenie uspokaivaet tem, chto v processe dzhust gluboko dyshit,
pochemu by ne poprobovat' glubohoe dyhanie, pritvor'ajas', chto kur'u ?
(O, volnujus', pravil'no li pojmut ideju - naprimer, esli mama
prochtet. Elki-palki).
*
"Anger makes me powerful"... yeah. I kinda can relate to that -
na rabote, kogda ja zl'us', sostojanie tipa "pust' poprobujut
pripech', uzh ja im zadam...", hot'a oni osobo i ni pri chem.
*
Training and learning from others IN NO WAY brings down
my individual strengths. Besides, once learned, I add
my own style to whatever I am doing.
*
If I doubt about something and then find out it's great,
what if it's the same doubts that are left - they just take form
of 'what will others think ?'/'will they understand ?'

Friday 05/30/97
Zhalko ispol'zovat' resursy (na WWW), potomu chto kazhet's'a,
chto potom mesto budet nuzhno, a ego uzhe ne budet.
Sol - combine adding stuff with cleanup for equal amount fo space.
Forever in motion!
*
Kstati, vot voda ili ogon' - oni dvizhut's'a, a v to zhe vrem'a
na meste.
Tak i self-improvement - topaju vpered, no pri etom ostajus' soboj.
*
Nekotorye MOD-fajly nel'z'a najti nigde, a u men'a on ostalis'.
Konflikt - hochet's'a podelit's'a, no mesta zhalko.
So what ? Space is either used or wasted!
Hey, that's Love talking!
Alright, let's share.
Tem bolee, chto oba fajla poluchili '5'!

Monday 06/02/97
Kazhets'a, ja vo sne razmyshl'al - pomn'u, chto ehal
na dryne i tiho vel s soboj besedu... vot tol'ko o chem ?
*
Primer togo kak dovleet struktura - horoshaja , neordinarnaja
ideja vedet i uspehu... a spust'a vrem'a kazhets'a', chto tol'ko
tak i mozhno delat' i esli otklonit's'a, to vse nakroets'a.
Break the structure!

Esche strukturnaja fign'a - sobirajus' dobavit' HTM, kotoryj
budet dostupen iz russkoj i anglijskoj strnaicy i majus' -
na kakom jazyke napisat' opisanie. Ili voobsche nikakogo.
Stranno, kak budto 'vot eta stranica', a ja pri nej i nel'z'a
uronit' marku. Vot ved' bred'atina.
Kstati, sejchas v bashke est' novye ideju pro image maps.
*
Nothing is sick here, not if I can help it!
Yeah, do the right thing, see how that feels!
Regulation doesn't work!
Break the hell out of it!
Get things done!

And satisfaction comes not from acknowledgement, but from
feeling of having made right choice, feeling strong once again.
Straight up, head high, STRONG!
*
Ohrenet', za poslednie 6 dnej, chislo chitatelej dostiglo 50 v den' (!!!).
Yay!!!!!!!!!1

Friday 06/06/97
Another good reason for sharing - data can be stagnant in my hands,
but will be used to the max when passed along!

Saturday 06/07/97
Kogda ja single tasking, v golovu prihod'at neplohie todo.
Kak budto neskol'ko otdal'ajus' ot tekuschego momenta i vizhu,
chtoby esche mozhno bylo sdelat'.

Tuesday 06/10/97
Vyjasnil, chto u Mihajly doma laptop 486, chuvstvuju chernuju
zavist'. Sravnenie - porazitel'no vrednaja vesch', sposobnaja
diko ponizit' v moih glazah absol'utnuju cennost' togo, chto est'
u men'a.
Poputno voznikaet zhelanie vstupit' v kapsorevnovanie.
*
Interesno, byvaet, kazhet's'a, chto problema reshena, poka ne postupilo
novogo sil'nogo stimula izvne.

Po povodu ravnovesija - ja ved' sam hvastajus' tem, chto est' u
men'a, mozhet eto ko mne vozvraschaets'a takim obrazom ?

Versija po povodu etogo u poslednego l'usidnogo sna -
esli ja cen'u to, chto imeju, poluchu ot etogo ne men'she
pol'zy, chem esli imeju bol'she, no ne cen'u.

Legko mozhno razbogatet', nachav cenit' to, chto est'.
I nel'z'a razbogatet', nakaplivaja veschi, no ne cen'a ih.
*
Confirmation, chto l'ubov' k sebe, bezuslovno est': kohda prihod'at
novye fotografii, kogo ja pervym delom vysmatrivaju na snimkah ?
*
Dal chto-to poslushat' - vozmozhno ja rezko otbirajau, chtoby
ne dumat' "Ne ponravilos'", kogda mne vozvraschajut.

Thursday 06/12/97
V sorevnovanii s gazetami, note this:
ja odin, kak Jankel' s "Komarom".
Though, I don't have to be. Good wording for material submission,
while reserving right to edit, what gets published...
hey, what happened to encouraging others to create their own pages ?
That actually worked and works, when looking from spirit's viewpoint,
this is part of the grand plan - encourage the talent(s) to flow.
*
I don't mind reading rants if they don't disagree with my point of view :)

Monday 06/16/97
Ego: Look for references to my page, if in some it is not
mentioned, k'u.
Spirit: Find all that's good out there. And share.

Tuesday 06/17/97
As soon as overload starts, annoyment level grows.
*
Vot ja vorchu, chto v pornofil'mah igrat' ne umejut.
A ved' te, kto umejut i stanov'at's'a znamenitymi -
naprimer Christy Canyon.

Wednesday 06/18/97
Vse chto ja sazhaju, prorastaet - no ne momental'no.
*
Inogda ja otvechaju na email, kak budto fehtuju - lish'
by otbit's'a.
I wonder if this is when contact is lost .

Pattern goes like this - somestimes I answer by quoting and
information amount lowers. Sometimes I wait till I want to
answer - then it stays in Inbox for a while.
*
Kogda mne dajut poruchenie chto-to vyjasnit', ja eto delaju,
a potom volnujus', poka ne dolozhu. Is this related to COMPLETE
COMMUNICATION ?
*
Tot zhe pisatel' - pust' ego hval'at za proshlye zaslugi, no
on propadet, esli perestanet sozdavat' novye knigi!
*
For me it's important to have something to write about -
retell story, dream, anything. Humor comes in process.
It is much harder to start from scratch... like where would
an original idea for a story come from ? Mystery.
*
Observing process rather than "nu dolgo esche ostalos' ?!"
is better when I can see activity going, but there is no
percentage bar.
For example, this is how ancient FTP's display looks like -
as opposed to NCFTP.
*
Rush - when it feels like THIS has to be done, can't do anything else -
is this rush real ? What if I let the task cool down and watch the sky
instead ? Will worry intenstify or weaken ? Since I am in that state
now, I'll do a test...

Vspominaniju vizualizaciju - volnenie kak zony prit'azhenija.
Na rabote - volnujus' o rabochih delah. Doma - o semejnyh.
Po mere udalenija ot mesta volnenie oslabevaet.

Thursday 06/19/97
Bugs me that I am not in "Rambler's top 100", though I don't
even know who this Rambler is :)
A, ku, rambler is cyr lang searcher! Davno pora!
*
www.anekdot.ru - interesnaja ideja - u nego est' knopki
'vote' i po nim vybirajuts'a luchshie anekdoty. A chto, neploho pridumano.
Voovsche, golosovat' prijatno. A osobenno prijnto ubezhdat's'a,
chto ja v bol'shinstve.

Sud'a po ocenkam, anekdoty pro teschu/zehnu diko popul'arny.
*
Destructive pattern: "Novye druzj'a luchshe staryh" (am I still
fighting that "staryj drug luchshe novyh dvuh" saying ?).
Perhaps novelty... more so - no guilt yet associated with new people.
Also, taking for granted what I already have.
This is going nowhere.
I really want to learn how to value people I know and things I have -
remember how blessed I am to have them, how f**ing lucky that they
are in my life. How much worse would I be without them.

But boy, does guilt accumulate. And fear is in there often too.

Monday 06/23/97
Email over messagevoard - kogda msg napravlen pr'amo ko mne,
kak-to pochetnee. Ver'at, chto imenno ja mogu otvetit' - prijatno
i hochets'a pomoch' bol'she.
K tomu zhe, "esli ne ja, to kto zhe" :}

Wednesday 06/25/97
When I am in a negative state, I only perceive very limited amount
of info as acceptable. Yet, I cannot predict, what is there that
can break my state - so I can unknowingly
suppress it, thus getting stuck in negativity.

Remember hypothesis - when I am down, people come to me to
lift me up. Whatever it looks like, that's what they are there for -
to make me feel strength again.
*
Feelings: "esche mozhno zan'ats'a vto etim" vs. "vse nado
sdelat', i poskoree - i eto, i to, da von esche vot eto na nosu".
*
Entropy fighting does make breathing easier.
As long as I am enjoying it, of course.
*
If things like link exchange are done in order to share more,
it's the right reason - because it in no way attaches me to
the result.

Thursday 06/26/97
Shef podn'al interesnyj vopros: "Odezhda in the light of
'How I want to be perceived'". Ja podumal, chto mne legche
vygl'adet' cherti-kak (naprimer nebritym i nemytym) v svete
"Programmisty horosho ne odevajuts'a", "Nebritye i s gor'aschimi glazami",
"On tak mnogo hakiruet, chto ni na chto drugoe vremeni net".
*
Ne l'ubl'u takoj situacii: poshutil i tut zhe pon'al, chto nesmeshno.
*
Whoa, after I linked 'longriders' from minfo.htm, it's flooded with moped posts.
Coincidence ?
Ha!

So, how about a Moped mailing list ?
That would be nice addition to that 'list of lists' that has none.

Friday 06/27/97
Kogda kto-to na rabote govorit "sejchas pridu", i ne idet,
vmesto avtomaticheskogo razdrazhenija mozhno prikinut':  a est' li mne kajf
ot togo chto pridet ?

Monday 06/30/97
Interesno, sejchas Gong Kong privlek moe vnimanie i zaodno
chitaju drugie novosti. Kak budto neozhidanno i to i eto interesno.
*
Reading email - rvus' vpered, hochet's'a prochitat' vse,
a otvechat' hochet's'a ne tak sil'no... v l'uboj otdel'no vz'atyj moment
chitat' hochet's'a bol'she. Rezul'tat - dazhe esli ja delay reply
srazu, ja neredko speshu, chto by pochitat', chto tam dal'she.
Esli zhe prochest' vse, byvaet voobsche trudno vernut's'a...
hot'a naverno prochitat' vse luchshe...
po krajnej mere togda ne budet speshnyh otvetov... no est' opasnost',
chto pis'ma zalezhat's'a. Pofig. Chitaem vse!
*
To chto bystrodejstvie u mul'tizadachnost' kompa mozhet privesti
k moej peregruzke sootvetstvuet idee o bystrodejstvii robotov
v "Bilet na planetu Tranaj".
*
Moderated list:
L: Mnogo prijatnoj vozni, "Zdes' vse ot men'a zavisit".
F: Chto esli nadoest, otvetstvennost'

Unmoderated;
L: Will live without my intervention.
F: A ja chto budu delat' ?
Otvet: Chitat' & otvechat' tozhe. Kak na longriders, tol'ko esche
luchshe. Pozhaluj pravda.
*
Now, there's a plus of moped list - posts that I like to read anyway,
coming to my doorstep. And more of them too!

Tuesday 07/01/97
Advantage of listing tasks separately on the list - when 1 is done,
I can mark it as such, rather than waiting for all parts to be complete.

Prijatno pritormozit', sdelat' shag nazad i zacenit', chto uzhe sdelano.
Esli etogo ne delat', gonka ne imeet konca.
*
Atas!
Vchera byl sozdal "Moped mailing list" i 4 cheloveka podpisalos'.
Ja proveril noch'ju - chislo uvelichilos' do 7, a sejchas uzhe do 9!!

Wednesday 07/02/97
Ogo, odin paren' iz .ru otozvals'a na "L'usidnye Sny" i dazhe
had one!
*
IE - men'a diko besit, kogda ja klikaju, a on sovershenno ne reagiruet-
status line pustaja, kak budto ja nichego i ne vvel.
I v obschenii s l'ud'mi men'a eto tozhe inogda vyvodit.
Mozhet i ja - samozavod'aschijs'a ?

(Kstati, IE ispravils'a posle togo kak ja vernuls'a iz gal'juna)

Thursday 07/03/97
Opyt - pri pervom neudachnom vzdohe, step back and see if
we are still OK, on the big scale.
*
Esche, kogda nachinaets'a vnutrenn'aja speshka, mozhno
ostanovit's'a i posmotret', ne hot'at li drugie pomoschi.
Ha.
*
Terpet' ne mogu, kogda mne zadajut vopros, a potom ne mogut dozhdat's'a
otveta.
V sledujsuchij raz mozhet voobsche ne zahochet's'a otvechat'.
*
Ili naprimer zadat' sebe vopros: "What do I do next, chtoby otleglo ?"
Kogda ja etogo voprosa ne zadaju, to delaju to zhe samoe, chto
delal, tol'ko bystree i intensivnee.
Perhaps there is another way.
*
Sometimes I procrastinate because I hate doing something.
There is alt - pay a little, so they do it for me.
Goal is reached - task is done. I invested money
instead of time/effort.
*
Here is an easy formula to tell what voice speaks for Fear and
what for Love - one tries to disconnect me, the other - to keep me together.
First can use persuasive words like "pride", "safety", "consistency",
"innocence", while second actually wants me to be with people I like -
no wordplay.

Tuesday 07/08/97
Pochemu trudno chitat' knigi po chast'am (kak rekomendujut
avtory "Chicken soup for the soul"):
0) Drugie knigi perebivajut.
1) Kazhet's'a, chto esli srazu ne proglotil knigu, to ona ne
bol'no-to interesnaja - trudnee k nej vernut's'a.
*
Ekxersis: deep breath and imagine that all tension is
leaving body on exhale.
Klassno, pochti ejforicheskoe chuvstvo.
Is that what they meant by 'light-headed' ?

Mozhet eto pravda, chto v kurenii uspokaivaet ne dym,
a glubokoe dyhanie ?

V sochetanii s zevkom na vydohe - ku!
I esche predstavl'aju, chto negativnoe v vide lucha exits.
*
Getting back into flow:
Calm down (baby); see who I can call and who might want me to call them;
see what can be done for others/self (the order is ok, since most
stuff in OHOTA is for self anyway).
*
Pomog uborschice vysypat' korzinki v bols'shoj musornik i po
hodu nashel otlichnye lejbly s nomerami, kotorye sobiralis'
vybrosit'.
Aga!

Wednesday 07/09/97
Pl'us v pohode v parikmaherskuju - mozhno poobschat's'a
v processe. Legko i zabavno.
*
Vot te na, okazalos', chto Mandela vse-taki govoril
rech' pro "our deepest fear" - confirmation is at http://www.reggaefest.com/.
*
File transfer indicator - "can't stop us!".
*
Nekotorye versii anekdota "bip-bip" pr'amo dyshat
zhelaniem avtomobilistov, chtob ih zametili. Bedn'agi,
beznadega ved'! Mashin t'ma.

Thursday 07/10/97
Whoa!
Ja 10 let uchils'a v shkole i bol'she goda moja linija
shla cherez telefonnuju sistemu, tormoz'a.
A sejchas eto bezobrazie prekratilos' (spasibo x2 linetest!).
Go, Speed!

Mozhno pogorevat' o tom, kak dolgo ja byl na plohoj linii.
A mozhno pomechtat' o tom, kak klassno budet teper'!
*
Ja vchera bojals'a, chto narod razbezhit's'a - iz Moped List vyshlo
2 dzhusta. No vchera zhe voshel odin novyj, a segodn'a - esche 3!
*
Mihajla pripek, chto etot razdel dvujazychnyj.
Ja otbojarils'a, no vesu pribavilos'.
Sol ?
Do nothing.
*
Excellent state - kogda vspominat' mozhno legko i s gumorom.

Friday 07/11/97
Samoregul'acija - narod prihodit i uhodit iz moped list -
ostajuts'a te, kto gotov celymi dn'ami boltat' o mopedah =>
more traffic from them => list is better.

Kinda like estestvennyj otbor.

BTW, 'unscubscribe' command works well when used right - 2 left
automatically.
*
Intent readjustment - hochu pokazat', kak rabotaet
novaja programma, chtob ne putalis'. Iskazhenie -
zhdu blagodarnosti za usovershentvovanie. Ne poluchaju
i vorchu.
*
Analogija:
Zlostnaja struktura/perebor/izmenenie.
Pravitel'stvo/gajki/revol'ucija.
*
ARTEM.MID - helps mood boost when the plan is
"Ja hochu byt' v horoshem sostojasnii".
*
Another good view of progress indicator - on dvizhets'a
pod muzyku.
*
Confirmed - I am hurt when I don't love.
When I start loving, I come back to life!
And there is many, many more ways to love than
just one - more people, more deeds (bol'she didov).
*
Kstati, imenno v taske pod muzyku mozhno pechatat'
bystro i tochno.
PLAY!
*
When helping others leads to overload, resetment may
appear. But - handling overload is MY task.

Monday 07/14/97
Bol' v zhivote mozhet byt' priznakom worry, tak zhe kak
poter'a dyhanija.

Wednesday 07/16/97
When I view comp as miracle, rather than something that
has to perform very specific task, waiting is much easier.
State is close to mediation.
*
Kogda ja smotr'u na kakoj-to task i reshaju ne sv'azyvat's'a,
proishodit confidence drop.
Poprobuem tak: posle otkaza zanimat's'a etim, skazhu sebe "It's OK".

Friday 07/18/97
Not looking at the score improves performance ALWAYS.
(V bowlinge - slival po-chernomu, perestal smotret' na tablo
i v rezul'tate okazals'a na 2m meste iz 4h!)
See if this can be done in Quake - perhaps setting that
disables frag count display until end of level.
*
Kogda zadajut vopros, mozhno otvlech' vnimanie sprashivajuschego -
esli on i tak peregruzhen, chances are on zabudet, zachem sobstvenno
prishel.

Monday 07/21/97
Garmonija l'ubvi - ot kogo-to poluchat' vs'u (mnogo?) l'ubov'
i otdavat' ej zhe.
*
Stereotip mozhet sluzhit' dl'a otmezhevanija, naprimer:
"Stuff that is second knowlege to anyone but
give me a break I'm a blond."

Sohranno byt' v gruppe l'udej, pro kotoruju net anekdotov :}
*
Novost' - okazyvaets'a vse zhenschiny razdrazhitel'ny za neskol'ko dnej
do menstruacii. Podi ty.
Ladno uzh, tol'ko ne meshalo by etoj informaciej delit's'a - chego
muzhukam zr'a stradat' ?
*
Fermer ne dal sest' vozdushnomu sharu.
Vspomnili Liviju i vspomnil diskussiju pro prava
ne puskat' gul'ajushcih skvoz' svoi vladenija.
Pozhalujsta.

Tuesday 07/22/97
Kak mozhno vyigrat' sorevnovanie v molchalivosti ?
a) Izmenit' status vyskazyvanija - ne skazal, a podumal.
Ved' na eto otvet ne trebuets'a.
(tried - success!!!)

It could be law of mind thing - wait, poka seed prorastet.
*
Oschuschenie bessmyslennosti podsekaet motivaciju.
*
Naprimer, chelovek byl pevcom, rubal let 5 v molodosti, i etim
izvesten. A chto on delal sledujsuchie 50 let ?
Mozhet nichego net strannogo, chto vozvraschajuts'a gruppy iz 60h.
*
Primer, chto put' min soprotivlenija chasto pravil'nyj:
opening packages.
*
When I begin to see my choices, it's easier to notice what
Love and Fear each suggest.
*
Teorija o krugovorote zhulikov: vchera kto-to sper u Dzho
koshelek, zato chuvak, kotoryj ne platit za Omnigo objavils'a
i izvin'aets'a.
Versija - est' mesto tol'ko dla' odnogo zhulika, kogda
pojavl'aets'a novyj, drugoj ischezaet.
*
Abundance: I went to the vending machine and decided to get
soda for everybody. But I needed 10 cents more. So I thought
"Maybe there is a coin on the floor ?". I kneeled down, looked - and
there was a quarter!
*
Otvet prostoj: "Get in the flow."
Next question usually is "How ?".
A: "Get aware of what you are doing right now => change state =>
eventually start flowing".
Slow down and look close at what you are doing - feel it.

Slowing down this way can also be good idea when haste attacks.
Affirm that I have right to be calm, no matter what.

Sejchas ispytyavju potr'asajuschee chuvstvo vnutrennego spokojstvija.
Netorpolivost', plavnost', nabl'udenie.
!!!

Friday 08/08/97
L'uboe zan'atie - potencial'naja meditacija.
As long as you do it for itself, rather than to get it over with.

Odin iz primerov - sizhu v probke, gl'azhu na ladon'
"Master slova i klinka, on gl'adit v svoju ladon'".
*
FIngerprints and faces are all diff - suggest that each
personality is also unique and unrepeatable (never before, never again).
BTW, this also confirmed by the fact that DNS combinations are in
astronomical numbers.
*
Learning - ja protivl'us' vs'akogo roda obucheniju,
dazhe kogda mne hot'at pokazat' novuju igru - potomu chto
diko neprijatno, kogda ob'jasn'ajut, a ja ne vrubajus'...
v svoju ochered' strah pered etim skovyvaet i ja ponimaju huzhe
esli mne-taki nachinajut obj'asn'at'.
*
Another way to improve dyhanie - look at hand closely
(pishu i dumaju - pojmut li ? Pofig!
Ja pishu dl'a seb'a, remember ? Except protecting innocent,
there is no editing).

Monday 08/11/97
Sometimes I am afraid to ask question becasue I am afraid the answer
will be too long.. or might get irrelevant. Sol: as soon as
specific question is answered, lower the attention.
*
Haking takes a hit the moment I accept limitation...
like "I can't program windows", "I can't do graphics",
"I don't dig object-oriented programming".
That's the reason for insecurity - not the fact that REXX
is my language of choice.
*
Chitaju life.c/life.hlp - napisano v 1990. no anglijskij
v polnom por'adke! For the most part :)
*
Kartinka iz "Peanuts", gde mal'chishka zahotel igrat'
v klassiki, kogda emu obj'asnili, chto eto, deskat', minnoe pole.

Tuesday 08/12/97
Don't like delays in process - afraid to fall back into passive state.
*
Napominat' l'ud'am o tom, chto ja prosil ?
Ili predpolozhit', chto esli oni sdelajut, to i sami
vspomn'at mne eto otdat' ?
2nd viewpoint is more trusting... there is anxiety in
"they've probably forgotten what I asked! I must remind!".

Wednesday 08/13/97
V Zen * Javascript postojanno upominajut japoncev v sv'azi
s enlightement (tradicii, rezhim dn'a, sposobstvujuschie reflection-u)
i u men'a postojanno voznikaet vozrazhenie - chego zh
oni togda v zavoevateli podalis' ?
*
Let's just learn JS - kommercheskoe primenenie pridet pozzhe.
Fact is, I'll have the knowledge.
*
Esche odin pl'us: JS - vot naprimer ja dopishu "Life" i polozhu
na stranicu - dl'a vseh. S drugimi jazykami ne tak prosto.

Thursday 08/14/97
Plan to do something when I get there.
Rush to get there.
Yet I needn't do anything while I am still here.
*
Flow often starts by accident.
Is there a way to make such accidents more likely to happen ?
Would they still remain accidents ?

I can be in the same place, doing same thing, yet feeling totally different.
*
Creating reality - from immaterial decision to start Mlist
physical things are beginnings to materialize:
ideas for moped rally, alt.moped newsgroup and improving
moped regulations.
Oh yes, also rumors "mopeds are becoming popular again" and
"Motorcycle Product News" asking dealers 'Are you planning to
begin offering mopeds/scooters in the next 12 months ?'.
*
Chtot-est' v dvizhenii mira vo-vrem'a hod'by.
Dazhe esli idti na meste on pokachivaets'a i kak budto
otklikaets'a.
*
I may end up losing sattus of central figure if moped newsgroup
takes off... yet get this - without Moped List there'd never be
an alt.moped!
(and personally, I prefer mailing list to newsgroup - if
a subject is such that I want to read every single article).
*
Running program that's just about to start working is adrenaline rush!

Friday 08/15/97
Programming - gratification is in process.
Inspiration, ideas, adrenaline, chase and victory!
Self-esteem too.
No matter what I say, praise is simply a nice side effect.
*
Ja l'ubl'u puteshetvovat'. No ne vdal', a vshir' -
zachem ehat' v drugoj gorod, kogda v svoem rajone ujma neizvedannyn mest ?
*
Get into flow - can watch how perspective and sounds change while
walking.
*
"What human beings Can do is absolutely amazing!
What they Will do is usually disappointing".
Anthony Robbins
*
I'll find a way to be useful when newsgroup alt.moped
appears and possibly takes over mlist.
Like I can begin answering myself to qs mailed to me -
now I forward them to mlist for the large part - even those
where I could do web research myself
(result will be better answers, since forwarded qs can remain
unanswered).

Monday 08/18/97
Strength of haking: internal drive rather than others
motivating me.
It's also not whether find it impressive, but mindset,
way of looking at problems. Persistense, azart,
creativity.

Thursday 08/21/97
Strogost' interpretatora - kak glupost' cheloveka: ne ponimaet,
poka vse emu ne razlozhish' po polochkam.

Friday 08/22/97
Validation: prijatno chitat' pohvaly programme, kotoruju ja vybral
(v dannom sluchae - Opera).

Tuesday 08/26/97
Side effect of zhurnal.htm - I tend to write MORE outside
of this file, say in IRC or EW.
*
Somedays (like today), comm comes easy - with everybody.
I don't even have to go thru that struggle - it's
actually what I want - to interact.

Wednesday 08/27/97
Vizualizacija: kogda igraet muzon, kazhdyj shag prodolzhaet melodiju.
*
Mozhno snova proniknut' v UMSLovskie laby - libo
kak alumni, libo dazhe ustroits'a konsul'tantom po vyhodnym.
*
Ideja - pro plohom nastroenii nachinaj
tvorit' (naprimer, hakirovat').
May help, since creativity is linked to superconsious, which
provides endless supply of energy.
*
Judgement could feel like completion of sentence -
for example, if I state the fact, but not evaluation,
I seemingly invite other to evaluate.
And I don't like when other's evaluation is different from mine :]

Tuesday 09/02/97
As soon as I pass 'not guilty' verdict, person may
show up and totally aquit himself.

Primer: pered podstavkoj velosipedov stojala hrenacija, zagorazhivajuschaja
prohod. Ja podumal, chto eto dvornik ustraivaet sabotazh.
Ubral ee, snachala skazal: "Vot, zlodej", a potom smenil ocenku
"Prosto on borets'a za svoju energiju (a la Celestine Prophecy)".
Cherez sekundu pokazals'a on sam. Sprosil, nravit's'a li nam
podstavka, ja poblagodaril. Ja skazal, chto ubral hrenaciju, on govorit:
"Da, eto navernoe deti noch'ju pritaschili, chtob v hokkej igrat'".
*
C.P. govorit, chto pervyj shag k polucheniju energii izvne - eto uvidet'
krasotu. V etom mozhet byt' energija hakinga - iza'schnoe reshenie
problemy est' Krasota!
*
C.P.: Get energy from objects by feeling Love.
Hey, I did this with computer - when it didn't boot and
I remembered, that despite that, I totally love computers.
And then it booted!
(God, I don't feel like sharing this. Fear.
Well, it's better that I wrote this at all.
Since there's no feedback on zhurnal... well, I can do
both - quit or continue.
*
Complete answer - it does NOT contain counterattacks, even
if I am unjistifiably accused. Answer is detached from other
person and my reaction to his way of expression.
Therefore, it ends up surprisiginly non-agressive.
WOW!
*
When we disagree, how else conversation go, if not
1) Arguing.
2) Cutting short.
What would be the cont if there was no need to gain energy ?
If I had total confidence in my viewpoint ?
Now, even with subjects I know well, I am afraid
that listening to non-matching voice will confuse me.


Wednesday 09/03/97
Edu na rabotu, vokrug - krasota!
Opazdyvaju, ni viny ni straha ne chuvstvuju.
Vozmozhno, sila Light Side v trom chto beuty est' vezde ?
*
Nenavizhu otricatel'nye obobschenija tipa "it never works!"
*
Golosa na bg, probivajuschies'a skvoz'; muzyki -
mozhno percept ih, kak pevcov.
Naprimer ran'she, vse po-anglijski kazalos' interesnym
i zagadochnym... a kogda slova probivajuts'a skvoz' muzon,
smysla vse ravno ne pon'atno.
*
Primery veschej, ot kotoryh ja otbrykivals'a, a
potom protaschils'a (kstati, attituda "hochu vse sn'at'" really helps):
1) Disko.
2) Hitchiker's guide to the galaxy.
3) Computers.
4) Chess.

Sejchas ja otmezhevyvajus' ot
1) Dance (kstati, po toj zhe prichine, chto i vse predyduschee -
"u men'a ne poluchit's'a"!)
*
Sometimes attempt to control how long the activity will last
comes from fear that other may get bored first.
*
After energy loss automatic reactions are:
Strike the attacker (results in fight and guilt)
Get isolated to prevent further leak (results in prolonged down state).

Possible alternative is refill.
Problem: no desire to open up.
Watch for possible IP.
*
MSN demo - sdelano virtual'no, l'udi privetstvujut...
tak klassno!!!
Ochen' prijatno.

Monday 10/13/97
Complete action - independent of other's reply (as opposed to
act that waits for other before proceeding).

Parallel with complete communication - common feature is CALM before
response.
*
Protest ne protiv goals, a protiv cherno-belosti, kotoruju vyzyvaet
izlishnee fokusirovanie.
Napr: "Ja chitaju tol'ko Internet World".

Parallel': "I don't always know, where the flow is".
*
Suggested sol to "I look at the list, see something
I am guilty about/not motivated and I can't go on":
move it to the other end of list and keep reading.
Shuffle.
*
Na voprosy "Gde rabotaesh'" i "na chem programmiruesh'", mnus'.
Ladno, nashej kompanii ne znajut... no ved' i my ob ihnej
skoree vsego ne slyhali.
Op'at', zhe REXX - pust' ego ne znajut... a ja, chto znaju
kakoj-nibud' tam Sybase ? Ili voobsche, SQL ?
A chto ja delaju, kogda ne znaju ? Kivaju s umnym vidom, chtob
ne ulichili. Heh.
*
Fil'my s caption pomogajut v'ehat', kak imenno pishut's'a
mezhdometija.
Naprimer, whoa=vou.
*
Rabota - horoshee zan'atie - vo-vrem'a nee prihod'at
novye idei (neob'azatel'no rabochie) i mozhet
pojti flow.
*
Composer speaks thru his music. Don't ask for more from him.
*
When I see a task and think "I can't do it" or "It's useless",
motivation drops.
There are answers to both:
1) It may be easier than it seems... usually is, once I decide
I'll do it.
2) Nothing it useless - if it gets me moving, it's ALREADY USEFUL.

Monday 10/20/97
Male: + help, - fight
Female: + heal, - poison

Tuesday 10/21/97
New def for bad situation:
"I'm on the rise. On the bottom, but going up".
*
After data loss - you will be surprised how fast
I will recover what I really WANT. Energy.
And that's the way to go.
No matter what happened I will restore status quo and
do better.
And you know why ?
When I restart from scratch, my sight is not limited
by "leave things as they are", so I can improve on them!!

(later)
Feeling of doom is being replaced with positive
expectation. Oh, yes.

BTW (there was reason for me losing "don't sweat over small stuff"
book for a few days - gave me time to reflect and apply).

Trying sovet: "Count to 10 while taking deep breaths". Gl'uk!

Wednesday 10/22/97
Heavy emotion - when there's feeling, but no adequate
way to express it... but it wants to be expressed.
One of sols - isolate from feeling.
Or become aware of this need and see - maybe there's a way
to express. Awareness may overcome denial.
After all, maybe saying "Sochuvstvuju" is all that's required of me.
*
Possible implementation of "improve state before trying to attack problem":
do something else... find something good, dive in, enjoy... and...
there we are :)
Est' takoe sostojanie.

And then go back and resolve tensions that might have been
created while down.

And find creative sols to same problems that seemed to anger
me earlier.

A, I remember.
Shef napomnil mne pro shlem - i fall began.
(Anticipated chore, as opposed to anticipated pleasure).
Yep, that's the one - feel tension and less air.
*back to meditation*

Heh - check this for justification:
"It's important to sidet' v m'agkom kresle, ne dvigat's'a
i gluboko dyshat'". Yes, sir!
*
Medidate on pulse - it doesn't fail even when I observe
it (unlike, for example, balance on narrow board)

Thursday 10/23/97
Hey, maybe I can listen to surroundings same way I did
to skaner ? Just background activity - not mine, but keeps
me in touch with the world.

Monday 10/27/97
When upload is in progress and 'estimated time to completion'
increases - it's like fantazija "chem bol'she igrajut, tem dol'she
do konca igry".
*
Confirmed - when looking at list of tasks and see one or two that
I don't want to do, there goes motivation altogether.
Sol - resort the list - move farther these tasks.
*
Meditacija - voda otrazhaets'a na stene.
*
Kogda juzer men'a zasypaet men'a zaprosami:
1) Beta testing.
2) She's taking opportunity while I am responsive.
(When not, I just mychu v otvet).

Tuesday 10/28/97
Vozmozhno chto vseobschee druzhel'ubie ko mne (na rabote) -
rezul'tat random kindness. I iskrennih komplimentov.
There is never direct or immediate connection.
Kinda like with energy... or moods for that matter.
Learning.
*
Ja chasto slyshu slovo "podderzhka" i chestno govor'a, u men'a ono
associiruets'a s kartinoj "bityj bitogo vezet".

Usilenie - eto kuda bol'she chem podderzhka.
Eta dva cheloveka, kazhdyj s odnim, bezpoleznym, krylom, no kogda
im udaets'a obn'at' drug druga za plechi, oni vzmyvajut v nebo!!

Wednesday 10/29/97
Protiv volnenija: "I don't have or need to solve this problem NOW".
*
Looks - superhaker, kto prilichno vygl'adit, nichut' ne stanovit's'a
menee talantlivym i krutym.

Thursday 10/30/97
Method - when feel energy being lost, visualize recharge.
*
Shortcut - "chelovek ne ot mira sego". Ego original - v drugom mire.
Kogda ubili Hrista, on ne byl unichtozhen - prosto ischez ego
shortcut v nashem foldere.
Find Target - najti seb'a.
Proverit', shortcut li ja ?
*
Novoe, neprivychnoe ubezhdenie (a la Cat):
"Looking good is important"

Friday 10/31/97
Telling the truth may help others to understand my true motives.
Keep in mind that in absence of info, worst can be easily assumed -
the way I assume worst.

Saturday 11/01/97
To keep moving forward, I should skip nothing - applies
to replying to email, for example. Answer, move, or delete -
but if you skip message, energy is drained instantly.
*
Neverending internal dialog could be result of denial -
aloud I say I am innocent, while inside voice keeps repeating
I am guilty. It just happened. Well, what do you know -
as soon as I admitted INSIDE that it's my fault too, the
voice STOPPED!

Monday 11/03/97
Kogda men'a pripekajut sdelat' chto-to skuchnoe po rabote,
a ja otrugivajus', u men'a men'she zhelanija voobsche
rabotat'.
*
Downloading meditation.
Multitasking syst is a must, yet, there's
something relaxing about leaving dl in fg and watching it.
*
Reading email s operezheniem - process several old msgs
before jumping to a new one.

Wednesday 11/12/97
Udivitel'no kak prijatno i dazhe legko chego-to dobivat's'a, kogda
chego-to hochet's'a.
Kstati, byl segodn'a an detskom stadionchike - predlozhil
tam volonterstvovat'!

Thursday 11/13/97
Short attention span is good for finding 'what else to do'.
It's not as hot when I want to concentrate on one task. If I
cannot complete it because of distractions, apathy may follow.

Monday 11/17/97
Povozivshis' s 14.4 u shefa doma, pochuvstvoval, naskol'ko
bystraja shtuka - X2!
*
Nakatila depressija po povodu "Chto ja tut delaju, na etoj rabote ?"
Kogda doshlo do ruchki, nachals'a otliv (heh, ja skazal 'otliv'):
1) Tut svoboda.
2) Ne otstaju ot progressa.
3) Baldeju.
4) V osnovnom nachal'stvo podderzhivaet.
*
Kogda ja sam stal iskat' "fat-free" produkty,
ja uvidel chto ih sovsem-sovsem malo.
A ran'she mne kazalos', chto ot nih otboju net, vezde
pishut etu fign'u :)

Tuesday 11/18/97
Pripodn'atoe nastroenie i oschuschenie nuzhnosti - kogda
u men'a sprashivajut uslugu, kotoruju ja mogu s udovol'stviem
okazat'.

Wednesday 11/19/97
Inner tranqulity (gained today after "walk around the lake"
meditation) can easily be combined with fun and make-believe
wild emotions.

Thursday 11/20/97
Here's something for conscious mind to do - make sure
I do one task at a time... when possible.
Eating without reading still seems hard :)

Also, perhaps pausing between tasks may be beneficial.
Relax, give yourself credit... that sort of thing.
(O, chuvstvuju strah chto nachal'stvo prochtet... hot'a vr'ad li).

Friday 11/21/97
When there's high potential of being distracted, perhaps
pick a task that's interruptable ?

Saturday 11/22/97
V fil'me gde Lemmon i Matto delali reportazh o sbezhavshem ubijce -
ledi pozhalela ego ne kak socialista, a kak cheloveka.
*
Quick replies and comebacks often come from associations
and as such, are directly related to state of mind.
Can it be used the other way around ?
Get asked, get assoc going => improve state ?

Monday 11/24/97
Here's why apathy and rush may coincide - I am anxiously waiting
for something to happen to make me feel better.
*
If I want something to be done Exactly the way I want -
I should do it myself.
*
Typical deadlock - when I should be doing something,
but /.
Then, my attempts to do something else are suppressed
by guilt/fear.
*
Otlynivat', kogda ne hochets'a pahat' - eto luchshee reshenie,
chem dolbit' skvoz' silu. Esli ja mogu uvlechenno lenivit's'a
(i ne vinit' s'a) pri etom, vpolne vozmozhno, chto state
change will follow and then I'd be able to do other things.

Friday 11/28/97
The only way you can reject nicely (without getting nasty toward
self or other) is to feel no guult over rejecting. Contemplate that.
*
Pripek En za to chto sozhrali lanch - ona kontrakatakovala,
deskat' ona dumala, chto na budu utrom rabotat'. Bred'atina,
no vazhno ne soderzhanie, a process: ataka-zaschita-kontrataka.
And then everybody feels bad :]
*
Po povodu smeny raboty - vse ot men'a zavisit. Esli drugaja
ne budet ZAMETNO prijatnee, ja tuda ne perejdu. Nikto men'a
zastavit' ne mog i nikogda ne smoget.
*
Feeling victimized is a choice. Yet, it's pleasant when other
person does something to make it up to me.
*
Predstav', chnto u men'a est' Cel' v zhizni - chto-to vazhnoe, chto daet mne
sily i k chemu ja streml'us'.  Esli eto tak, to chem by ja ne zanimals'a, ja
mogu ostanovit's'a i vspomnit':  "U men'a est' cel', ne zr'a zhivu".  I
dazhe kogda nechego delat', ne beda, potomu chto kogda cel' est', to
zan'atie najdet's'a.

A teper' parallel'. Sizhu na rabote, mne porucheno najti 40000 telefonov.
Kogda ja eto dodelaju neizvestno.
Ja sebe otvlekajus',chitaju www, slushaju muzon, knizhku listaju - i pri
etom pomn'u "U men'a est' Cel' - mne nuzhno dodelat' etot proekt.  Kogda mne
nadoest' baldet', men'a zhdet interesnoe, neslaboe delo".
Vot.

No ved' smotri, oshuschenie pustoty prihodit kogda proekt zavershen - mozhet
byt' imenno poetomu - ved' ischezla cel' ?

Vot esli by ja sidel tut na rabote bez slozhnogo zadanija, mne bylo by
otkrovenno skuchno, hot'a ves' toto zhe baldezh - www, irc, muzyka, kniga
byli by pod rukoj!
*
Another reason to be with people - with them, it's very
hard to feel apathy. Nearly impossible.

Monday 12/01/97
Mars-Venera - ponedel'nik utrom, zhenschiny nachinajut uvlechenno
boltat', a men'a sama mysl' ob etom uzhasaet. Barrikadirujus'.
*
Balans - rubaet muzon, nachinaju rasslabl'at's'a - i tut pytaets'a
vlezt' vina, chto nikogo ne slushaju.
*
Bardak sovmestnyh proektov, a imenno, razdelenja truda -
v tom chto nevozmozhno obespechit' mertvye linii.

Tuesday 12/02/97
God, I am strong when I have a goal!
There comes powerful communication - both gentle and
firm, attentive and all-combining. There's the flow again!
I felt confident for a second - and held the feeling.
Then the calls made - and boy, there were powerful!
In a way, like a sale - rapport - for a duration of talk, there's
unity with person I'm speaking with, desire to listen, understand,
learn and bring up my point too.

And then goals are reached, what had to be said, has been said...
and then what ? How do I want to feel and what do I do ?
*
HTML - determined effort (easy effort, in fact) - and once
again we're in the lead!
*
Hey, knowledge of Web + excellent HTML editor lead to spectacular results!
Are days of HTML coding over ? Nah, not yet :)
*
I rule, man! I totally rule!
I overrule!

Wednesday 12/03/97
Primer togo, kak energija prit'agivaet - kogda ja na kone,
juzery prihod'at s interesnymi zaprosami.

Thursday 12/04/97
Visualization for energy recharging - hot air ballon being filled.

Tuesday 12/09/97
Kogda task slishkom slozhnyj i ja pytajus' otvlech's'a perekl'ucheniem,
est' risk, chto ja usilivaju peregruzku.

Wednesday 12/10/97
Savor problems - they are like emails - something to do
and feel meaning while doing it.
*
There's progress, even when I feel that things are not moving.
Suddenly I am surprised to see that I fixed something that
seemed "put away forever".
*
I become vulnerable to feeling of failure once I go from
hypothesis testing to assumption "now it's fixed".
Just got registry error - I felt "disaster! all failed!"
rather than "another round ahead".

Friday 12/12/97
"Cheredovanie umstvennogo i fizicheskogo truda" - are actually
"cheredovanie vvoda info & meditacii"
*
Adv of verbose mode is this - it may remind me how much
work really is going on, say, during internet transactions.
*
INdecision is often result of conflict - don't know what will be better.
I put it off... in the meantime I may or may not find the
decisive argument toward one of the choices.
*
Razdrazhenie na teh, kto otvlekaet mozhet byt' tipa
kak v "Brilliantovoj Ruke":
"D'aden'ka, vy chto ?" - "Ne meshaj!".
To est' "Don't break my state, I am trying to improve my state" :):)
Learning to see possibilities can make task easier - I will
not have to think everytime, how to do Interupt Pattern myself .
*
"Glavnoe ne stat' uznikom svoego imedzha i ne prevratit's'a v parodiju."

Wednesday 12/17/97
Solidarity is a great feeling.
What can I do to fell it more often ?
*
Rabochaja situacija takaja - ja tut nuzhen pozarez, nezamenim.
S drugoj storony, i druguju rabotu mne budet najti ochen', ochen'
legko.
Rezul'tat ? No fear. Relax.
*
I figure there are times to be in receving mode - when other is giving all
kind of stuff, my task is to be open and receive all I can :)

Thursday 12/18/97
When in creative, versatile state, people are drawn by the energy.
Conversatins, ideas, jokes - you name it.
Fun too.
*
Emotion attached to fact may depend on state.
Also, state resulted from fact may go thru emotion.
*
Parallel' - sovetskij princip "snachala otrugat', potom
prin'at' zagranichnoe" i to zhe samoe v moem podhode.

Saturday 12/20/97
Intercepting anxiety early - just observed it - I started download,
while it's going, thought I'd do something else... and there was
anxiety.
Here's alt (for not-too-big downloads) - watchs CPS, see if it breaks
the record.
*
Faith in winning dissipates when other is progressing
faster.

Tuesday 12/23/97
Another example when inaction can be solution - something
worries me, I let it slide for a while and next day - what they heck -
I don't really care anymore.
Somehow relevant to theory of Worry/gravitation zones, only now
it's in time - more time passed, worry is less (or none).

Wednesday 12/24/97
More work in selecting songs results in collection that's
easier to access and more pleasant to listen to.

Tuesday 12/30/97
Vse-taki bez l'udej byvaet hrenovo. Vot 1ja smena konchilas',
narod uplyl i ja zagrustil.